I’ve been posting a lot about aging, I know. That number – 75 – just seemed to consume me and became my identity for all sorts of reasons. Losing Jim. His family. Still missing Vern. Feeling sick. Being alone. But I’m grateful to share that there’s been a much needed change. It’s been subtle, gradual. I kept searching for things that could help pull me out of that funk … and I found them. One by one.

And the latest was Cory Muscara. I signed up for his daily texts and this one was an ‘aha’ moment. I love these words; I feel them:

The caterpillar in the chrysalis doesn’t know what it’s becoming.

It only knows that everything it once depended on is dissolving.

And it can’t go back.

There is a deeper design that it must trust.

Your life isn’t falling apart.

It’s the structure that can no longer hold who you’re becoming.

~Cory Muscara

And that text led me back to his site where I signed up for his 30-day “Fresh Start” course. I just did Day 1: Holding the Mess and it was a wonderful start. He invited us to hold with presence all that is unresolved in our life without having to immediately deal with it. I’ve found meditating to be difficult when I’ve tried it in the past. Have never been able to quiet my mind enough. But today was different. He gave permission to sit or stand or move or whatever I needed. I chose to stand and feel all of the aches and move to release them. I became a ragdoll and felt all that tightness I seem to carry just fade away. It was lovely. He ended with a Rumi poem I’d like to also share:

I received a surprise text this week from a lovely Canadian widow I met at Camp Widow many years ago. She had done some searching and found my blogs and will be joining me in Calgary next month! I find these moments of ‘remembering’ so very heart warming. When I’m feeling low … useless … forgotten … it only takes a quick little message like Joan’s to remind me I am here, I am remembered, I have done some good things. I CAN STILL DO MORE GOOD THINGS!

And then I remembered Sally O’Malley … I can be her older version!

Note: For those who don’t know who that is, it’s Molly Shannon’s I’m 50! character on Saturday Night Live that debuted way back in 1999. Google her. She’s a hoot!

I’m 75!

I like to kick, and stretch, and kick!

 I considered trying to recreate her infamous kick and stretch moves for a photo to include here … well, maybe that’s taking it a bit far. I don’t want to injure myself before my trip to the ocean later this month. But I truly am feeling so much more like myself this week. I know there will still be sad days. I miss Jim and I still miss Vern. I will always miss them and wish they were here. (And yes, I do understand it may be hard to relate to having two husbands to remember.) I will hold them, feel them, appreciate them and release the hard and hurtful things that came along with those losses so I can live a life both Vern and Jim would be proud of.

I met my friend T online back in 2011 in the old Widowed Village online community. What a lifeline that group was for so many of us. She lives in Florida but we were able to meet in person a couple of times and she helped me when I held my first Soul Restoration Retreat in Folly Beach, SC in 2017. We have stayed in touch by text and Messenger and an occasional phone call over the years but since Jim died she’s been my daily check-in person. It’s so nice to have a friend to ‘talk’ to each day and to have someone who would notice and react if I didn’t respond.

My son is in the midst of his Canadian immigration process, with his fiancé as his sponsor. They were originally told it would probably be 18 months before he hears whether he’s approved or denied, but things have started moving rather quickly. They received an update after a month or so that it would now be 12 months, and then after submitting some final paperwork this week they were told six months! Their plan is to split their time with winters here in Vegas and summers in their home in Muskoka.

I’m really happy for them … and I’m adjusting (or trying …) to face the reality of being totally alone here in the desert for half of each year. They’ll be gone the same months my Pahrump friends spend at their Indiana lake house.

I’ve often relied on my son to watch Sheila when I’ve needed (or wanted) to travel. They’ll be watching her in September when I go to Camp Widow in Calgary. And they were going to watch her in November when I go to Sacramento for a wedding, but they now need to travel back to Canada that month.

And that takes me back to my friend T. I shared all of this with her and decided to ask if she might consider coming to Nevada in November for a visit (and to watch Sheila while I attend that wedding). She said yes! And as we kept talking about it she’s going to stay longer and we’ll see where that takes us. She’s been thinking about leaving Florida so this may give her an idea of whether she’s ready to do anything permanently. One way ticket it is.