Widow's Voice

Idle Thoughts as I Approach 2 Years

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I’m in total disbelief not only that Chuck has been dead for 2 years but that I’m still alive.  How is it that I haven’t died of a broken heart?

I’m going to counseling.  Dr. Shima is going to do EMDR and aural acupuncture, both to assist in (hopefully) dispersing the block between my emotions and intellect.  That block, she surmises, is what keeps me from feeling connection of any sort to him.  It keeps me feeling disconnected to the world at large and keeps me from feeling connected even to myself.

She used the word trauma with me.  Not in a PTSD way and not so much in relation to the manner in which he died but having to do with the fact that he and I shared an unusually close and loving relationship and the very fact of living without him is traumatic for me.  The price of deep love….

St John’s Wort, Ignatia Amara, Star of Bethlehem, Rescue Remedy, Stress Away oil, Warrior Training Exercise program 3x/week.  Remedies, all, to help me move this fucking grief.

Twice lately, I’ve had an experience that I call a holographic experience, in which I see a couple holding hands, or something that reminds me of a place where Chuck and I were, or something we did, and I suddenly see him, if that’s the correct way to describe it.  Just bam! there he is and then bam! again, there he isn’t.  I recognize the clothing he’s wearing when this happens.

I had a dream the other night, not with Chuck in it, really (I’ve had no dreams of him since he died), but one in which I imagined that he was sitting next to me and I put my head on his shoulder and breathed in his scent and repeatedly said to myself in the dream I wish this was real I wish this was real.

This world without him is so unreal to me.

I no longer know how to describe this world of his absence.  Is there really any way for any of us to describe the new world we live in without that one person who loved us so deeply and whom we loved so deeply in return?

My final realization is; you know what?  It doesn’t matter how desperate I might feel to see him again, how deep my grief, how lonely my days and nights…it just doesn’t matter because all those feelings aren’t going to change the devastating reality and I need to just suck it up, like everyone else has done since time began. 

Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

A huge part of my heart is gone.

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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