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I Will Always Wonder

Posted on: December 12, 2019 | Posted by: Mari Posa

I know it’s not healthy to think about what could have been. But sometimes I let my mind wander and take a peek of the life we could have had if you had never had your accident. I know this can’t ever exist, but I will always wonder. 

I will always wonder if we would have grown old together. If we truly would have decorated our wheelchairs together, like we wanted to. I wonder if we would have gone to Rome, New York, and Hawaii like we said we would. 

I wonder if we would buy our cabin up North. I wonder if we would have had more children together. I wonder how you would have grown as a man and as a father to our children. I would have liked to have seen your face, as our little girl continues to hit her milestones and experiences new things. I wonder if you would have held my hand throughout the years, as we would walk beside each other. 

I wonder if you would have continued to write me love notes, and beautiful cards to express how you feel. I wonder if after time had aged me, you would still find me beautiful. I wonder about the more beautiful memories we could have created. I wonder how your love would have grown throughout this life.
I will always wonder about these things, but I am truly thankful for the years we did share. I feel that if you were truly meant to do all those things with me, somehow someway you would have made it. Maybe this was all part of the plan, or not. That is something I will never know until I die. But I will always wonder.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed and Healing, Miscellaneous

About Mari Posa

I am a blessed woman with many shadows of darkness. I have met the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I have experienced motherhood and have triumphed in my career. I have built everlasting bonds, with people I love and respect. I consider myself blessed. With all those blessings, there are also shadows of darkness. I watched my father die as he held my hand and took his last breath. I lost many hopes and dreams as I buried the love of my life at the age of 31, just four months after burying my father. I left a stable and secure career for something much more significant, but then lost it all. I have seen immense beauty and extreme darkness in this life. I am a woman whose world was shattered into a million pieces, in what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Through love, learning, and therapy, I continue to move forward in this life with grief right beside me. I continue to honor those who have left this earth with pieces of my heart. I take one day at a time.

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