It’s been a quiet week with no appointments, no hockey, nothing to do except let those antibiotics do their thing. But maybe that wasn’t the best way to spend a full week … because too much free time can emphasize the missing of both Jim and Vern and some of the other heavy stuff I’m carrying. And not feeling well just seems to exaggerate all of it.
I planned to use the word ‘doldrums’ in my blog title today … but when I did a google search on that word I found that it’s already been used by a couple of our Widow’s Voice authors. So it’s definitely a thing we widowed people deal with.
Being in the “doldrums” means experiencing a period of sadness, sluggishness, or a lack of motivation.
Yep – that description fits. Just like “widow brain” fit for me last week. And also those depression signs I mentioned earlier this month. I guess I’m seeing a pattern here that I need to address. But then I remind myself that it’s only been 9 months since Jim died and it’s ok to have these feelings.
“The emotion of grief should not just be labeled as painful, sad or difficult. It is so much more than that. It is more like a journey to a new world where you get to be all by yourself, without your family, your friends and the world you grew up in. Where you shed the person you used to be and grow into the new self while you discover the doorway back to life. That is what I call Grief.” Second Firsts on Facebook
When I sunk into that big ol’ negative hole this week, I started thinking maybe I need to move back to Henderson. Be closer to where my son and friends are. Where there’s so much to do. I even did a search for house rentals and found one I really liked. But after sleeping on it I decided it’s not time for that move just yet. Jim was so very thoughtful to put that addendum on his Trust so that I can stay here as long as I want and just pay the household bills, insurance and taxes. I love this home and our backyard and I feel him here. So I’ll give it more time. Besides, I have plenty I need to do here in this house … so much. And as soon as I get back to feeling ‘normal’ I will start attacking my massive TO-DO list.
We only have one set of friends we do things with here in Pahrump. We have fun – but they only spend winters here. My next-door neighbors have been kind since Jim died and have been checking on me every day since I got sick to see how I am and if I need anything. So there are some positives here, too. I’ve made a list of places I want to check out, things I want to do here in Pahrump. Either just me or taking Sheila along for the ride. To just force myself out every now and then. Who knows? I may meet some new friends along the way.
“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand – and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.” Marie Beynon Ray
