My parents are moving this coming weekend and it’s brought up some grief thoughts (of course!). I have been thinking about how Boris will never know their new house. But, then I realized that he never knew their current one either. They have only been in it for two years. But, it feels like he has been here. It feels unreal that this is a space that he never visited. Even though I can picture him at the kitchen table or napping in the recliner, he was never here. It is sort of mind-blowing.
And, this makes me think of all the places and things that he will never know. My car. My tattoos. New Taylor Swift music. The Super Troopers sequel. His parents’ new home. All of the future places I will go, all of the new people I will meet, and all of the milestones…he is not going to see those either. And, there’s nothing that makes that feel okay or better. He should be here to experience new things. He should be here to see his parents age and his sister climb the career ladder. He should see me graduate with my Ph.D. He should be here helping to take care of my dad. It isn’t fair and it isn’t okay. I don’t think it will ever be okay.
The spiritual part of me knows that he is here, just not in the same way. But, boy, it is still so hard to do new things without him. It is so hard to not have him to talk to. I want to know what he would say or think. I want to know what things would be like with him here. I want his parents to be able to see him finish his Master’s degree and begin a new career. I want his parents to see us get married and buy a home. But they won’t get to do that. That is not okay.
I don’t have much else to say other than, he should be here. He should be here. That’s it. Period.