I know this is a feeling all / most of us experience when our partners passed – when Lynn passed, in an instant, so many experiences and memories – most of my favorite ones! – felt like they vanished. When the person who shared these experiences and / or bore witness to who you were and your journey dies, it felt like my past had just been a “dream.” It is hard to 1) hold onto the accuracy of the memories, especially the feelings you had that cannot really be explained or articulated, and 2) feel like these memories even happened. This feeling of loss of my past and my journey continues to be one of the most difficult challenges in this whole grief journey. When my Mom passed away, I once again faced this fear of losing my past, and this time, it felt like the loss of literally my lifetime of memories, experiences, and the entire journey of me as a baby to an adult. While there are friends and family still around who share some of the experiences, there is so much of myself that only Lynn knew, and similarly, the “me” only my Mom knew.

I am thinking about this because one of my besties of forever recently retired and moved to Nevada (HUGE BOOHOO!). She spent soooo much time with Lynn and I that we called her “our child.” She was our third wheel, and witnessed the “us” as a couple more than anyone. She was close friends with both Lynn and I individually, and she and I continue to joke about the quirks of Lynn and I to this day. In the same way, Lynn and I spent a ton of time with my parents. They were the couple we double dated with the most, and my Mom ultimately called Lynn more often than she called me, because Lynn was more responsive, lol. (Is there anything better than your Mom and partner having a good relationship?!)

I didn’t realize until my bestie moved away, that I found great comfort in knowing she and my Mom both actually had bore witness to Lynn and my relationship! I subconsciously was so grateful that they “got it.” They understood – to some extent – how Lynn and I moved through life together, how we “dealt” with each other, and how well we worked together as a team. I realize that has been a major aspect I have been grieving when my Mom passed. Now that my bestie has left town, I feel like there is no one in my hometown that knows what a mega supershero couple Lynn and I were. I am grateful for the numerous friends and acquaintances in our community that knew us as a strong couple. But, it’s the daily interactions and the way that a couple moves around each other that make up the nuance and beauty of a couple. My Mom and my bestie got to observe our affections and irritations with each other, and I did not realize until now how poignant and heartwarming that was. It has helped a bit with keeping the “spirit” of our relationship alive.

Not that I will never see my bestie again! Since the only constant in life is change, I am trying to breathe through it all and have been repeating the mantra, “Grow and Adapt.”