I went to a funeral this morning.
That right there could be the whole post, right? Two years later and it’s still hard to sit through one without transporting myself back in time.
The funeral was for a relative of Tony’s who I didn’t know that well. Therefore, I was there as a supporter versus a griever. I had my tissues ready, but I didn’t want to cry at this funeral. Crying would make this more about me than the family I was there to support.
I took to people watching as a distraction. Although after seeing a husband comfort his wife with a hand on the small of her back, I realized I needed a new technique. Watching that expression of love almost tipped me over. Those small touches are the ones I crave and seeing them at a funeral. Yowzah!
So, being that this was a Catholic funeral, I redirected my attention to the altar boys. They were somewhere around the ages of my own little dudes. The older one helping direct the younger one on what to do next. The younger one slumping in his seat and dragging his hands through his hair as the sermon carried on too long. Watching them shuffle around carrying crosses twice their size.
Kids are great for a distraction from the harsh reality of life. I was able to make it to the end of the ceremony feeling relatively calm and collected.
The other emotion I found inside myself today was jealousy.
The spouse of the relative that passed away died less than 2 years ago. They got to grow old together and were married over 50 years. After less than 2 years apart they are together again in whatever that great beyond is.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I want to live. I do not want to die. This jealousy doesn’t come from that place. I want more time with Tony. I want to watch our kids grow up together. I want him to meet our someday grandbabies. I want to watch all his hair turn gray. I want more out of life with him, not decades without him.
I wasn’t prepared for this feeling of jealousy today. I share it because it was unexpected, and I doubt that I’m the only one who has ever felt this way.