Widow's Voice

Funeral Attendance

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I went to a funeral this morning.

Photo by Eli Solitas on Unsplash

That right there could be the whole post, right? Two years later and it’s still hard to sit through one without transporting myself back in time.

The funeral was for a relative of Tony’s who I didn’t know that well. Therefore, I was there as a supporter versus a griever. I had my tissues ready, but I didn’t want to cry at this funeral. Crying would make this more about me than the family I was there to support.

I took to people watching as a distraction. Although after seeing a husband comfort his wife with a hand on the small of her back, I realized I needed a new technique. Watching that expression of love almost tipped me over. Those small touches are the ones I crave and seeing them at a funeral. Yowzah!

So, being that this was a Catholic funeral, I redirected my attention to the altar boys. They were somewhere around the ages of my own little dudes. The older one helping direct the younger one on what to do next. The younger one slumping in his seat and dragging his hands through his hair as the sermon carried on too long. Watching them shuffle around carrying crosses twice their size.

Kids are great for a distraction from the harsh reality of life. I was able to make it to the end of the ceremony feeling relatively calm and collected.

The other emotion I found inside myself today was jealousy.

The spouse of the relative that passed away died less than 2 years ago. They got to grow old together and were married over 50 years. After less than 2 years apart they are together again in whatever that great beyond is.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Now, don’t get me wrong. I want to live. I do not want to die. This jealousy doesn’t come from that place. I want more time with Tony. I want to watch our kids grow up together. I want him to meet our someday grandbabies. I want to watch all his hair turn gray. I want more out of life with him, not decades without him.

I wasn’t prepared for this feeling of jealousy today. I share it because it was unexpected, and I doubt that I’m the only one who has ever felt this way.

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 44 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 9 and 14. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.