Widow's Voice

Family Vacation

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I recently came back from taking my daughter to Disneyland. It was a bitter and sweet vacation. It was the first time we vacationed without my husband. It was very hard to not have his physical presence with us. I decided to take my daughter to Disneyland because that is something my husband and I had talked about. I am aware now, that you can’t wait years to complete something in life. Some people may have the time, but others don’t. Therefore I try to live in the now.

I shed many tears while I packed, struggled at the airport with a toddler, stroller, and luggage, and dealt with the rental car company. Oh, and yes, I had to carry all the luggage up a flight of stairs just to put the cherry on top. It didn’t feel like a vacation for me. I have the bruises and the soreness to prove it.

It is very challenging to travel without a significant other. I know many do it, but it’s challenging. I hear a lot of comments about how its harder with two kids and that I only have the one. I didn’t get the chance to have another child, and I feel people’s comments are very ignorant sometimes. They don’t know how hurtful that is for me to hear. It’s hurtful because we were trying to conceive a second child when my husband died. Everyone’s situation is different and for some of us, having one child is a lot. And for some, it’s not. I think people need to be more mindful of what they say. Because I don’t go around telling married couples how much harder their life will be, once their spouse dies. Some comments make me angry because people have no clue how difficult it is to be a solo parent, even if you just have the one. 

Despite my struggles throughout this trip, I got to see my little girl be as happy as can be. She loved getting on the rides and demonstrated her fearlessness. I am so proud to be her mom. All my pain, bruises, and challenges were well worth it just to see her smile and enjoy life. I know my husband is proud of me for making this a reality for our little girl, and for fulfilling one of our plans. I’ve learned that it is important to live in the now, because truly tomorrow is not guaranteed. I am still learning to deal with people’s insensitive comments, but I think with time I’ll learn to hopefully ignore them. Because being a solo parent and a widow is not an easy road to travel. 

About Mari Posa

I am a blessed woman with many shadows of darkness. I have met the love of my life, my best friend, and my soulmate. I have experienced motherhood and have triumphed in my career. I have built everlasting bonds, with people I love and respect. I consider myself blessed. With all those blessings, there are also shadows of darkness. I watched my father die as he held my hand and took his last breath. I lost many hopes and dreams as I buried the love of my life at the age of 31, just four months after burying my father. I left a stable and secure career for something much more significant, but then lost it all. I have seen immense beauty and extreme darkness in this life. I am a woman whose world was shattered into a million pieces, in what was supposed to be the best time of my life. Through love, learning, and therapy, I continue to move forward in this life with grief right beside me. I continue to honor those who have left this earth with pieces of my heart. I take one day at a time.