Widow's Voice

Current State…Confusion~

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I’ve reached a major point along this widowhood road. Arrived, so to speak.

At least, in my mind, I have.

I’m in the state of Confusion. And I’m kind of okay with it, in the midst of nothing being okay any longer.

I’m not fighting any emotion that comes my way.

Good, bad, indifferent and everything in between.

I picture myself, at times, as one of the ping pong games at a video arcade.

Ping! I go here. Ping! I go there.

I have a plan of sorts in my mind, but my energy level has just never returned from what it was before my world collapsed.

A dr recently diagnosed me with anxiety. A dermatologist dr, mind you. I went to her because I’ve had incessant itching over most of my body since summer time, and the rashes have done a job on my skin.

My first reaction to her words was upset; I’ve done all the work I’ve done with this fucking grief and 6.5 years later I get told my skin is reacting to anxiety? 

Her follow up was a list of medications that I should consider adding to my vitamins on a daily basis.

At which point, I said to myself, fuck no!

I don’t need to numb myself more than I am, thank you. I don’t need to feel any emptier than I do, thank you again. 

Yes, I feel confused about life a whole lot of the time. Yes, I struggle with enthusiasm and interest in events. All the stuff you know about from your own experience.

But I also have a rich fantasy life in my head, and I’m good with that. I go out and do all kinds of new shit and meet new people, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m starting counseling tomorrow with another therapist. This one is widowed also, I discovered.

On the intake forms that I’ve already filled out for her, one of the questions was What are your strengths?

I wasn’t shy at all in responding; I’m determined and full of grit and I believe in the power of Love and Love is my super power because I learned how to love from a beautiful man who called me his wife. And I learned how to love a man with all that I am.

So…anxiety? 

You know what I’m doing with any fucking anxiety that I have?

I’m making a fucking documentary about my life on the road for these last 6 plus years, that’s what I’m doing. I’m putting all that Love on film and I’m taking it around the country and showing it in every venue I can, to as many people as I can.

I’m creating my own legacy.

Anxiety holds no power over my Odyssey of Love.

Ever onwards~

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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