Widow's Voice

Complicated Companions

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Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone gets tunnel vision but what I have learned is that our loss is actually a painful gift. I know that sounds strange to view the loss of our person as a gift but that’s the only perspective that keeps me going. That there is a reason I finally found Clayton and he was taken away from me. I can share what the loss is so others appreciate what they have, however, people quickly forget the trial and tribulations of others.

It’s so difficult to hear couples complain about each other or aspects of their lives.

“Jenny/ Jonny just keeps nagging for us to get a bigger house.”

Oh I’m so sorry that is your biggest problem. I’m so sorry that the person you are with wants to continue your journey together and you guys are doing so well that you can upgrade to a 4 bed 3 bath with a yard, pool, hot tub and room to park the boat. Yeah that must suck. Glad I don’t have to deal with that difficulty…

Here is where I want to actually dive into the difficulties of being a widowed LGBTQ person. I’m not saying it is harder for us. Not by any stretch but I will say we have some different challenges. I think? With Clayton being sick and having just moved here, I don’t have many friends. I am cautious hanging out with people from work because I am their director. I don’t ever want anyone to feel there is favoritism. So I don’t go out much and don’t meet people much. Now for the “gay” thing…

I live on the panhandle of Florida. This is not the most progressive area. There are times I am concerned about the community’s perspectives. There are a handful of military bases and it’s a tourist town. The gay dating world is not an easy playing field. Around here, people are closeted, bi-curious, just want a friend with benefits or are traveling through and looking for a hookup. I don’t judge any of them for the way they want to live their lives but I know that eventually I want to find someone I can share my life with. It’s already a struggle to find the “right guy” but it’s even harder where there are so few that also want the “right guy” and a guy who is a widow comes with baggage…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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