Widow's Voice

Choose to Trust

| Posted by:


I’ve just returned from Arkansas with Sarah, after a 14 hour drive.  It is with tired eyes that I briefly write this morning, but yet, a deliriously happy heart.  We planned this trip to a tree house in Eureka Springs, AR over a year ago, not long after we met.  Circumstances at the time meant that we needed to book this a year in advance, putting a level of trust in the fact that our relationship would become more than a widowed friendship.

She and Drew had talked of staying in a tree house in this area.  Megan and I would have never fathomed going to Arkansas.  We discussed this at length as we planned the trip, and were still continuing to discuss this, a year later, on our drive home yesterday.  The fact that neither of them were with us in body is indeed significant, yet I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Did I miss Megan while walking through the town and seeing all of the historic buildings and cool shops?  Certainly.  However, truly thinking about it, I can honestly say that it was more enjoyable with Sarah.  Were there times, like when we sat on the top deck of a century-old hotel overlooking the Ozarks eating pizza that I thought “Megan would love this”?  Absolutely, but Sarah appreciated it more, and I loved it more with Sarah.

It is incredibly difficult to put into words, and even harder to share publicly, but given the choice, I would rather have been on this trip with Sarah than Megan.  That is not based on my love for Megan.  It’s still there, and has not changed at all.  It’s neither grown, or waned since her death.  Simply put, the person I am now is a better fit with Sarah.  The space she holds in my heart is equal to the space Megan holds, yet different, because I am different.  

I made a conscious decision, not to “move on”, but to allow myself to “evolve” after Megan died. I refused to sit and stay the same person I was with her, because she WAS a part of me.  I’m still doing that, and will do that until the day I die.  When I pause to contemplate this, it is hard for me to not think that Sarah and I were meant to be together.  It never has meant that Megan and I were NOT meant to be together for those 12 years, just that life is proceeding as planned.  

I had to simply trust that Megan wouldn’t die any time soon when we were together.  That blind trust is what allowed me to love her wholly and truthfully, making plans for years ahead.  The same trust is placed in Sarah and I’s relationship.  I can live and love without fear of the future because I choose to do so.  

About Mike Welker

Three months after my discharge from the Marine Corps, at 22 years old, I met my wife Megan, on December 10th, 2002. The very next day, I was drawn like a moth to a flame into dealing with a long term, terminal illness. Megan had Cystic Fibrosis, and after 8 years or declining health, she received a double lung transplant, and a new lease o life. Our daughter Shelby was born in 2007. In early 2014, those recycled lungs, which had brought our little family three years of uncomplicated health and happiness, finally began to give out. She died from chronic organ transplant rejection on November 19th, 2014 while I held her hand and let her go. I'm a single father and widower at 34 years old, and no one has published a manual for it. I don't fit the mold, because there is no mold. I "deal with it" through morbid humor, inappropriateness, anger, and the general vulgarity of the 22 year old me, as if I never grew up, but temper it with focus on raising a tenacious, smart, and strong woman in Shelby. I try to live as if Megan is still here with us, giving me that sarcastic stare because yet again, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

TO LEAVE A COMMENT ON A BLOG, sign in to the comments section using your Facebook or Gmail accounts, or sign up for Disqus.