Sometimes I take for granted how much Dan’s death affected me psychologically. I coast along, feeling like I’m doing ok and am happy, healthy and in control. Until, like a booby trap, something blows up and the trust issues, abandonment issues and general fear of getting close to people or losing control detonate and wreak havoc in my mind.
I have no reason to feel insecure in my new relationship. I trust the guy, he’s wonderful, I honestly believe he’d never do anything to hurt me but of course that doesn’t mean I won’t get hurt.
Life is great, so why do I have these sporadic moments of feeling like I’m going to lose it all again. It can make me crazy.
Make me swing between a need to keep him at arms’ length, keep my guard up and maintain my independence – to then feeling incredibly needy and co-dependent, wanting to pull him close and hold him tight, tight enough that it might scare or suffocate him.
I’m scared of messing this up. Scared of pushing him away. And, of course, so scared of sharing these fears in case he decides I’m too complicated and damaged.
I am again losing my ability to trust my instincts and let life be. I think about booking a session with my counsellor or going to a yoga class… I probably should do both but decide I don’t have the energy which I know is a cop out.
Then I remember it’s ‘that time of the month’ and I’m most likely battling over-sensitivity, heightened emotions and a tendency for being a bit more dramatic than usual. I take a deep breath. I tell myself everything always seems more dire in the dark of the night but tomorrow will bring a clarity and perspective that escapes me right now.
Fuck death for taking my husband and my innocence and leaving me with this baggage to carry around.
Through my tears, I look over at the man laying next to me. He’s not pulling away (that’s just my own over-active, self-sabotaging imagination). He’s here. He loves me. He’s not the ghosts of my past or my fears for the future. He’s a yet unwritten chapter and all I have to do is let go and allow the story to unfold.