Aloneness – I had not heard this word until after I was widowed. It feels bigger than loneliness, more all encompassing. It felt right for me back in 2010 and feels right for me now. I do know I can be happy living alone … it took awhile but I eventually found it after Vern died – but right now the seclusion feels most comfortable. I can just feel what I feel when I feel it without anyone needing to react or comfort or ‘fix’ me.

Aloneness carries different connotations:

it can be a neutral state of being solitary or secluded,

a negative feeling of being disconnected and sad,

or a positive, empowering experience of self-sufficiency and inner peace,

distinct from lonely isolation.

Essentially, it’s about your relationship with being by yourself,

whether you’re comfortable in it (solitude)

or feel a painful lack of others (loneliness).

When I lost Vern I was still working, so those days were filled and I only had the weekends to truly trudge through my grief. And that I did. I hunkered down in my jammies the moment I got home and then put that happy face back on Monday morning. Isolation was comfortable. But now Jim is gone and I’m retired so it’s just me and our sweet pup Sheila 24/7 in this house. I’m not forced to put that happy face on very often these days. Doctor appointments. An occasional dinner with friends. A couple of hockey games. That happy face façade does help at the moment but it also carries a burden and exhausts me.

I have plenty to do … but I’m an introverted procrastinator so I’m struggling with all of this. The volume of paperwork required by the VA. The piles of paper that went unfiled when life was hard and I spent all of my time caring for Jim. What do I toss? What do I keep? What do I just ignore? I chose to ignore most of it after Vern died but I no longer have the luxury of time on my side. I do not want to leave a mess for my kids to deal with … they already did that with my old house. And this house I call mine for now is just that … only mine while I choose to live in it.

Jim and I were both widowed when we married and we chose to keep our assets separate so they would go to our own children when we passed. However, I am so very grateful Jim placed an addendum to his trust that allows me to stay here as long as I want. Had he not, my life right now would be very different based on how his family has reacted to me being able to stay here. If you’re in a second marriage, I would suggest you have that “what if” discussion.

So I’m plugging along with the paper piles and making some headway. And I’ve accepted an offer from my brother to spend Christmas with them in Tennessee. Isolation feels easier but I know I need to do this.

But … I did splurge on a fully refundable airline ticket … just in case.