When I lost Vern I was 59. I felt young – even though a young widowed group on Facebook told me otherwise when they declined my request to join them (55 was their limit). Ouch. Back then the thought of facing 30 years alone was daunting. How would I manage it? Would I have to keep working longer than I wanted? I didn’t feel capable of dealing with such a huge loss along with all of the other ‘life’ things. But I did. Eventually.

And now, losing Jim at 74, those specific concerns no longer apply. I retired 11 years ago and I most likely will not have 30 years left to navigate an alone life.

I’ve lost three siblings and both parents, so I totaled up their ages (ranged from 76-88) and came up with an average to just get an idea of my possible longevity. 82 is a pretty good number but I sure do hope I have more than seven years left. My oldest sister is now 92 so perhaps I’ll reach 100. Regardless, those extra years ahead of me should not be wasted. They will not be wasted.

So how do I want to live this final chapter of my life? I know that I want to LIVE it fully and I haven’t really been doing that since Jim died. Too caught up with the stress and hurts from his family along with just not feeling well for far too long.

Perhaps I won’t ever be able to do some of the travel that I’ve had on my list for a long time … some are things Vern and I had wanted to do, some Jim and I. But one of those will be checked off in September when I visit Banff, so that’s a start. And I’m going to keep them all on the list anyway and see where things land.

And living fully means I need to stop cocooning in my home. I’ve just not wanted to get out much lately and had an excuse while I wasn’t feeling well. But now I need to get back out there. I’m an introverted extrovert so I do need to take some time to ‘recover’ after I do some social things, and my stamina isn’t anywhere near normal … but I can’t keep using that as an excuse to stay home.

I love this home I shared with Jim but the hot tub stopped working and the pool guy said he’d work on finding whether he could repair it … but he has been AWOL on doing that. And I spent a few days in Vegas this week and apparently he didn’t show up to do the weekly pool service because I came home to a very green pool. That’s caused me to think … do I want to put big dollars into repairs for a house that isn’t mine? I guess I’ll see what the damage is and then decide.

I want to make it as easy as possible for my son to handle things once I’m gone so I purchased one of those systems to help record all of the crucial information my ‘Next of Kin’ would need when I’m gone. Yes, I know I could have done this without making this purchase but I’ve not been very organized and feel this will get me on track. I’m devoting some time each day to get that crucial information recorded and easily accessible.

And one more thing I’ve done to make it easier for Jeremy … I’ve purchased an Earth Funeral pre-need plan. Yes, human composting. They have a facility in Las Vegas and it just felt like the right thing for me. I’ve asked Jer to mix his Dad’s ashes with my soil before he uses it (and I also have a tiny bit of Jim’s ashes that I want included). Jeremy and Christine will eventually be spending most of their time in a lovely part of Canada and he said he’d like to use the soil at their new home up there by the river. I like that.

Oh – and here’s an ‘addendum’ for those who have been following my posts … I received a call from Jim’s son last week and learned they did not spread the ashes in Lake Superior after all. Instead, they have opted to have Jim and Estelle’s ashes interred at the National Cemetery in Minneapolis. He mentioned more than once that it was free. The only reason I was being informed is because – as Jim’s wife – I also have the option to be interred there. They were quite sure I would not want that but they cannot proceed until I have been contacted by the VA to get my response. I did mention that Jim and I had talked about whether he would want to be interred at a National Cemetery and he said no, he would not. But his brothers want to do this, so it will be done. I told them I would not need to use that benefit but haven’t yet received that call.