April 7th marks 4 years since I saw Boris alive. And, it still feels like, how can this be?
I have been listening to Maren Morris’s new album and she has this song about someone she loves dying and imagining what the world would do without them.
I know the sun will set into the ocean
And I know we’re gonna get to where we’re going
But I still got just one question that I can’t work through
What would this world do without you?
I keep thinking about this song today. The world does just keep on spinning. Our people were there one minute and then gone the next. Just like that. Our worlds were completely turned upside down and shattered. And the world just moves ahead. The birds are singing. The rain is falling. The radio is still playing music. Kids are still playing. People are still telling jokes. And there we are asking ourselves, “what are we going to do?”
I survived what I thought was impossible. Because I was aware that Boris was struggling with suicidal ideation, I had somewhat imagined what would happen if he’d died, although looking back I was definitely avoiding actually imagining it (another subject for another day–denial!), and I thought I would have gone completely insane. I thought I would be paralyzed and unable to function. I thought my life would have ended too. And, yes, there were days that was the case. But… somehow I am waking up every day 4 years later and living my life. Getting a Ph.D. Caring for my dad. Laughing. Making plans. And, yet, how can that be? It doesn’t feel real.
Don’t know what I would do if your tomorrow never came
The only thing I’m sure of is that I’ll never be the same
4 years…