A shared feeling that comes up in conversation in my Widow Fam group is about the heightened sense of worry about a loved one when you do not hear from them when you expected to. For many of us, our minds naturally go to, “Are they dead? It’s possible they died, or something horrific has happened.” While we are totally serious when we talk about our (over)reactions, our over-the-top assumptions of what could have happened to them because they are 5 min late arriving at a destination, thinking “where shall I direct the police to look for them on the highway,” etc, our conversations about this are also humorous in making fun of how our re-wired widow brains to immediately assume the worst. My re-partnered widow friends share their many conversations with their partners when explaining our irrational-and-desperate need to know where the partner is, if their partner might be a few minutes late, etc. My friend emphasizes to her partner, “I don’t care if I don’t know where you are because you’re cheating on me, I just need to know you’re alive.” Our widow brains are ridiculous and somewhat exasperating to deal with! But, they ARE our brains that have become wired to prepare us for the worst, and to be ready to deal with a horrible experience. (Friends have also shared funny and practical ways they have come up with for they and their partners to manage these worries.)

And to be honest, because I do not want to emotionally go down a path of remembering the devastation of losing someone, my brain mostly starts thinking logically. “Ok, how can I find out what happened? Perhaps the over the counter pain meds they took had a weird reaction and caused a medical emergency. Perhaps their tire blew on the highway. Perhaps there was a home invasion. Perhaps they ran into a bear during their hike. Perhaps they choked on a peanut. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. If X happened, then what are the next steps.” I think my brains is currently wired to accept something bad might have happened, and it tried to get me to “keep moving forward.” “Ok, if I lose this person, then I will have to do tell so and so. I guess we won’t need those concert tickets I was planning to buy. Oh gosh, people are going to look at me again weird.” 

I have contrasting emotions because I have gone thru what they say is one of the worst things we humans can experience. Because I believe I can survive nearly everything because I have already experienced the worst, I 1) go into a somewhat numb, protective mode when confronted with potential friction or a bad experience. But 2) assume the worst. And yet 3) minimize “the worst.” I don’t think I am explaining this well, lol. It is a lot of mixed emotions when it comes to worrying about loved ones. Talking about it with widow friends who can validate the wackiness is like a release valve in the worry and the numbness. And in the meantime, I’ll just continue the journey of healing my brain and heart.