My widow group What’sApp chat was a flurry this weekend over one very brief – but very impactful – interaction one of us (not me) had at a party. She was chatting with someone she had not seen since before her partner had passed. Rather quickly, the “friend” said, “When are you going to start living again?” 

So, the peeps in our chat (14 of us) ALL of course were slightly triggered, or at the least reminded of the numerous and painful similar interactions we had experienced. I vividly remember every single implied “you are not living / moving forward / going thru this correctly.” There are so many “silly” things people tell us that are meant to be helpful or well intentioned, but are actually hurtful, rude, and tone deaf. There were so many comments made to me, that I started a journal of “The Stupid Sh!t People Say,” so that I could at least vent somewhere. When I meet a new widow, it is one of the first topics we end up talking about; and about how maddening some of the things we are told are, and these words can send us into a spiral working thru the frustration of not being understood. 

I was even told this when I had several years under my belt of showing measurable movement forward in my journey. I had resumed running half marathons, I was involved in various community organizations, I was going out and social regularly, and, while some might not see this as movement forward, I had already become an active participant of grief groups. I remember thinking once, “I have done more in the past couple years than you have, yet you have the audacity to tell me your opinion is, I am not moving forward?!”

And so of course, the real truth comes out about what people ACTUALLY mean when they say, “You are not living / moving forward.” They mean – “WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIND ANOTHER PARTNER?” Sigh… it’s again people still putting what they need us to do for them to feel comfortable around us, for them to feel like we are “doing okay” in their eyes, for them to believe we are “back to normal.” 

It’s also the societal belief that partnering is everyone’s goal, and the end all be all. Would “they” be shocked that the majority of widows I know including myself, swore up and down after our partners passed that we would never even consider re-partnering?! Would “they” also be surprised that so many widows active in grief or widow peer groups, “expert widows” who regularly present or publicly discuss widowhood are re-partnered? And that in fact, their partner actually understands and supports their widow work?! Would they understand how we ARE moving forward and living? 

But of course, in these moments, it’s often too upsetting to say anything back. But man, it stays with you. Again, I vividly remember coming home after some of these comments, and staying up all night crying and banging the floor in frustration (oh my poor dogs, what they put up with!). And I once again am so GRATEFUL for my widow crew. We immediately went into protective mode because one of us had just experienced this. 

Idea: can we carry a card or something that directs someone to a response to these types of comments? Hand it to them and blow them a kiss? 🙂