Widow's Voice

The Physicality of Grief

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I remember as soon as Mario passed away, I started having weird, unexpected pains. There were these stabbing type of head pains that I’d never really dealt with before. There were unusual body aches. I really didn’t know what to make of it, so naturally, I turned to searching on the internet – “can grief cause physical pain”.

The short answer, is YES.

I’m not sure why I was totally not expecting a physical component of grief or maybe it was because I has just gone through the craziest, most stressful, big life event to date that completely clouded my brain.

I’m reminded of all this because I believe my mom is experiencing an even worse version of it now that my dad has passed away.

Let me share what I’ve found that more scientifically explains this phenomenon…

The Neuroscience of Grief

The neurobiology of grief seems to be a relatively new thing to study and the reason, as given by some researchers is “grief is neither a discrete episode nor a longer-term state. Instead, it unfolds over lengthy periods and incorporates many different emotional experiences”. Plainly put, grief can be different for everyone and as we all know, not run in some linear fashion or take a set amount of time. Additionally, studies have been difficult to replicate and what often happens is grieving participants will have MRIs and certain areas of the brain will light up that also are involved with many other things, so it’s been hard to pinpoint exactly how grief may affect the brain. One study found that an area associated with emotion regulation was more active in those suffering with grief. The researchers of this particular set of studies basically concluded, “Grief is not so much a matter of which emotions are experienced at a given time as of how various emotional experiences contribute to an unfolding, variably integrated process. It can be added that the significance of any apparent similarities and differences between emotional episodes depends on how and where those episodes fit into the larger whole. For example, a current feeling of sadness might be suffused with hope or, alternatively, with only the prospect of more sadness to come. Depending on which, and on where in a grief process the relevant experience arises, it could contribute to the process and its direction in altogether different ways.”

Basically, yes, grief absolutely affects our brains, but it’s something that can be very individualized and based on many variables. The main point is, we’re not crazy, we’re just going through it.

The Stress Hormone Connection

The death of a spouse is such a big deal that there are actually statistics out there on how it can actually lead to increased mortality and morbidity of the surviving spouse. Many of us have experienced this somewhere in our family where a grandparent or parent dies and then their spouse joins them not long after. Losing a spouse is a 100 (highest you can go) on the stress scale (a stress scale is a questionnaire that measures how someone perceives stress in their life). So it’s no wonder that there is a stress hormone connection here.

In a group of studies that followed widowed people, they found that “cortisol remains elevated for at least the first 6 months of bereavement”.

If you’re unfamiliar with this little bugger of a hormone, let me list some of the physical effects of elevated cortisol:

  • increased cardiac risk
  • higher heart rates
  • reduced immune function
  • sleep disturbances
  • inflammation (which can cause a whole host of aches and pain in addition to other things)
  • intestinal problems
  • weight gain
  • + more …

Grief is Hard

It’s hard on our emotions, our minds, and our bodies. I should have known this, but was still a bit blindsided when it happened to me. The first 6 months was the absolute worst, so when I saw that study that showed elevated cortisol for 6 months, it really tracked for me. I felt like I was just moving through a fog during that time, in addition to the bigger dips in the emotional rollercoaster and the weird physical stuff. My mom is just coming out of the 6 month period, but with her being 83 with previous health issues, this is all hitting her very hard and I have to admit I have worried if she will not waste time following my dad into the great beyond (and consequently dropping me back into the fresh grief fog once again).

All I can say is that self-care is critically important to us grievers. We need to be kind to ourselves. We need to support our bodies and minds in any possible way we can in order to minimize the actual damage.

About Sherry Holub

I met my spouse, Mario, at UCLA School of Art in 1993. After graduating in 1995, I founded a small agency specializing in web and graphic design. Mario became my partner in the company in 1999. In 2002, we were married at the Costa Mesa, CA court house because neither of us wanted a big wedding ceremony (after already being together since 1995).

Mario was a highly talented artist, musician, illustrator and 3D Designer, but a tortured one. He was one of those gentle, creative souls who ended up burning twice as bright for half as long. Mario lost the battle with liver disease induced by alcoholism (almost exactly 6 months after he became sober) on 2/10/21.

I’m a long-time artist and writer with a background in photography who enjoys cooking, getting outdoors, staying young at heart, and sharing experiences to potentially help others. When it comes to writing, I’ve written both for fun and professionally over the years. Writing is also sometimes therapy for me and I don’t mind sharing my personal experiences with a wider audience.