I recently watched a clip from the animated movie, “UP” (tearjerker, if you haven’t seen it). It was the scene where Carl, who was recently widowed, is looking thru a photo album his wife, Ellie, had made. In it, she had photos from their life together. They were “regular life” photos, getting married, buying their home, etc. Carl was feeling sad that they had not had a chance to travel to places they dreamed of. Looking through the album, he realized Ellie had experienced their “regular life” as an amazing adventure in and of itself. In the last photo, she had written a note to him, “Thanks for the adventure. Now go have a new one.” (Bawl!)
Reflecting on this, it made me (again) look at my life as different chapters. While the past 11 years since Lynn passed has felt like one huge chapter, I also look at it as being broken up into many smaller chapters. The early chapters were of surviving, experiencing and learning what being widowed meant for me, how would I move through the world. I have been fortunate to have so many new experiences and people come into my life as a direct result of being widowed – whether through widow work, or due to moving through my life’s journey in a different way, after experiencing such a profound loss. The last 3 years, since my Mom passed, I have been on yet a new chapter. One in which I have had to first process this major change and loss, and then learn how I move forward without my Mom (physically) here. As when Lynn passed, I have consciously and subconsciously been very resistant to moving forward and learning how to be without my Mom.
And then I came across the quote, “Sometimes you have to let go of what you’ve built in order to become what you are becoming – like a plant that outgrows its pot.” Ughhhh so true I suppose!!! What is hardest for me, is, I loved my pot! I don’t want to let go of the beautiful life I have built and then rebuilt!!! And, I am now at a place where the curiosity to know what I “could become” is getting stronger…
I will soon be retiring from my career of 35 years. I am ready to let Lynn’s car – which later became my parents’ car – go to someone else. I am ready to embrace natural physical changes (related to perimenopause). I am ready to create my home and carve a path that reflects the present Grace, AND nurtures an environment for future Grace to have the next adventure!
