supposed to be in hawaii

with

liz

this weekend

(fucking reminder popped up on my blackberry the other day to make me feel like shit).

instead.

i sit here

thinking about nothing

but the fact that

she

died 2 months ago today.

(i fucking hate the 25th now).

how can i not 

think about it?

there are too many reminders.

everyday

i have to look out

the picture window

in the front of my house

to see her car, 

parked in her spot.

like she may just be 

sitting out there,

like she did so often,

finishing up

one of her post-work

calls to chandra.

(i stare out that window way too much).

i have to see her

black, elastic pony-tail holders

on every door knob in

the house.

i don’t know why she

chose to put them 

there, but there they 

remain.