Widow's Voice

Suiting up. Showing up.

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It’s been a tough few days, hasn’t it?

For our country, I mean.

If you’re already grieving, seeing the ugliness that seems to suddenly be everywhere…even if you refuse to watch the news…it can easily exacerbate what is already in your heart.

It makes me miss my beloved husband even more.  I used to feel safe with him next to me.  Now? Not so much.

For the first time since I began traveling 4 years ago, I feel not so safe on the road.  Chaos can erupt at any time, anywhere and I’m more aware of that than ever before.

It is so tempting to consider going to where one of our kids live, and settling down near them.

But I won’t.  I won’t let the fear be bigger than the Love any more than I’ll allow the grief to be bigger than the Love.

Because what I can most definitely tell you is that there is more Love out here than there is hate or anger. 

I’ve seen it every day as I travel in every state where I travel.

It’s what keeps me going.

My mom used to tell me that when the world is overwhelming, narrow your world to your immediate circle and do what you can, where you can.

Chuck used to say look down to where your feet are, and be there.

He also used to say, when things got tough, you just suit up and show up, and let the day unfold.

So, where does this bring me?

All the grief of missing my husband, all the sadness of seeing new families now grieving their loved ones, all of the feelings of being overwhelmed…

…is taking me to downtown Concord NH, near where I am now.  I’m putting on everything pink that I can (suiting up).  And I’m driving my pink car down to the plaza in front of the Capitol building and setting out my pink sign that says on one side I’m the Love Warrior and on the other Free hugs.

The great thing about hugs is that they work both ways.  Both parties engaged in a hug get the full benefits of connection.  So this will be golden for me.

This is what I can do at a time when I feel powerless to effect much of anything.  I can hug.  And hug.  And hug.

And somewhere, maybe, if he is anywhere…my most beloved husband, Chuck D….well, he’ll just smile from ear to ear and his eyes will glint with pride….

Find someone to hug.  It can be a stranger or someone you know.  Just hug them.  You’ll be glad you did.

And consider yourself hugged from me.

Nothin’ but Love, sister and brother widows~

 

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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