I watched this video James Van Der Beek had posted a couple years ago. He was in his car, and randomly sharing a “revelation” he just had. He had just parked his car in a spot that he had waited for and was a tight fit, but was a little bit closer (a shorter walk) to his destination. He laughed and said that his destination was the gym, where he was then going to run and exercise.  His point was – what was the point of spending that time and celebrating this win, when the goal in the end was to walk / run more and exercise?! James reflected on how often do we “cling to the idea of victory” that actually has nothing to do with the “actual context of the situation?” He reflected on letting go of these notions that have nothing to do with our long term happiness. Aaaand, what if we let go of these (perceived) “victories” and “failures” and focused more on choices that actually result or affect our long term happiness and fulfillment. 

I definitely obsess and spend too much energy on the minutia. Aaand, in continuing the “getting rid of items” saga, it made me think of how I spend too much mental and emotional energy on debating what to get rid of. I worry about keeping this shirt or that shirt, when 1) it really doesn’t matter, because I’ve probably not worn either in years! And 2) getting rid of one and keeping the other may feel like a victory, but I am actually delaying dealing with this battle again. And then of course I can reframe my decision ultimately as a failure if I am making future-Grace have to go thru it again. 

Turning 50 has made me also reflect on how to best spend my valuable time. Also, it makes me think of the “bucket / goal list” that I bring with me year after year, and have I reviewed these goals to ensure they still align with present and future me? Sometimes, life puts things in my way that offers me an opportunity to do something that is on my list. In the past, I would automatically be glad, say yes, and consider it a win. Nowadays, I am learning to take a pause, and consider if I still want to do XYZ, and if I do, is it worth the energy to do it? More often than not, the answer is “no” to one or both those questions. 

It is a bit bittersweet to experience this evolution of self, to thank and say adios to parts of me that maybe have completed their cycle, or evolved to a higher place. I am learning to balance that with the excitement of what this means for me further down that road. 

I was obsessed with Dawson’s Creek for a time. It is still one of my go-to background TV shows to play. James was two years younger than me, we are of the same generation. His recent passing is heartbreaking and a reminder that Lynn passed away when she was only two years older than him. RIP James Van Der Beek.