Widow's Voice

Once Upon a TIME

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Still,

After one year, six months, and six days,

Almost every thought still begins with you.

I am unable to live completely in the moment,

And, I struggle to be present,

Because,

In my mind,

I am endlessly travelling to a better place in time,

Again and again.

I return to this place,

Where you existed once upon a time.

~Staci Sulin~

 

 

Time.  It goes on…  

When his heart stopped, the hands of time were unaffected.  I thought I felt time stand still when I saw his lifeless body; but, time itself callously marched on when he died.  Time did not stop.  Not even for a moment – in spite of my circumstance.  The world just carried on without Mike.  But, my world was left in ruin when the life I knew ended.  However, from the wreckage, something bigger than me, dragged me out from the rubble created by my shattered Soul.  I was rescued because my heart is still beating.  My life didn’t end when Mike’s did.  Life is for the living; and, now, I’m left to figure out how to do just that…

Almost immediately after his death, life demanded things of me.  On a surface level, I was forced to participate in life because children need raising.  Work needs to be completed.  Bills need to be paid.  Dishes need doing.  Laundry needs folding.  Lawns need mowing.  Things need to be said.  I need to show up.  There are people to meet and obligations to attend to.  Life has not stopped because Mike no longer exists here in this dimension.  Time has gone on and I’ve carried along with it.

Life demands participation – even after your person dies.  Life is unavoidable.  And, in truth, this is a good thing.  At this point, there is no part of me that intentionally wishes to escape living.  I think this is why my heart feels so heavy.  I want to breathe life in again.  I absolutely want to feel alive again; but, re-entering life is much more difficult than I imagined it would be.

 

 

I want to wholly participate in life.  I want to radiate happiness.  I want to see real joy in my eyes again.  I want to laugh until I am out of breath.  I desperately want to feel alive.  And, wouldn’t you know it, all of this is in my power.  It’s in yours too.  With this power comes responsibility.  As human beings, we are responsible for our own happiness.  At the end of the day, happiness is not dependent on anyone but ourselves.  I am responsible for the quality of my own life.  And, you are too. 

But, it’s hard.  I know.  I’m tired too.  Sometimes I want someone to come along and take me by the hand.  Sometimes I want someone to help me re-enter life because it is so difficult to become engaged in a full life when you are sad and physically and emotionally exhausted.  But, this is not how life works.  It is no one’s job to rescue me.  It is not up to someone to help me out of this conundrum.  I have to do this on my own.  Thankfully, it’s not impossible to re-enter life.   And, I know, eventually, this will happen for me because I am not satisfied skimming the surface of a fulfilling life. 

 

Nope,

I am not content just existing well. 

I want to dig into life again.

I am here.

I want my hands to be dirty from the work of a life well lived. 

I want to jump back into life with both feet. 

Actually, I want to run straight into the unknown. 

I want to pause with confidence as I stand on the edge,

I want to look towards the sky and blow him a kiss,

And, then I will leap.

Knowing full well that I will be okay as I free fall…

Right now, I can close my eyes and I can feel this happening.

This life is mine.

For the taking.

It is all unfolding somewhere in a parallel universe.

Waiting for me to catch up to it.

Waiting for me to reach out and grab- what is rightly mine.

I can and I will take this much needed leap of faith

because I know full well he is there,

And, like always he will break my fall. 

Love never goes away. 

He is everywhere,

Mike is here.

Beside me,

Like he always was.

He will never leave me. 

I feel him.

It is only me standing in my way. 

 

 

I don’t just want this.  I need this.  My Soul needs to live boldly again.  I don’t want to live life any other way.  I want to live like he showed me…  And, in time, I am certain that I will feel alive and I will live again like I did once upon a time…

 

Staci

 

 

 

About Staci Sulin

It is my privilege to write to you each week and I hope my blog inspires you to lean into your grief. This isn't easy, but it is the only way through this mess.

I believe that we are lead back towards life and living when we allow ourselves to be still, and sit in the "nothingness" where grief lives. Visiting this empty place is difficult, but it is necessary. This quiet place holds the blueprints of our new, alternate life.

I know you are scared to go to the edge of this place; admittedly, I was too. But, in order to reenter life, we have to take a leap of faith. With time, I gathered momentum and I took the leap - building my wings on the way down.

It has been nearly five years since Mike died and I realize that what I feared most about the future was not the obvious uncertainties; but, rather, the possibility of letting new beginnings and a good life to pass me by. I was afraid that I would settle into an ordinary life when I want an extraordinary life.

I worried that I would play small, when my potential is big. As I write to you each week I am challenging us both not to shrink. I am keeping us accountable. I do not want either of us to fall back into an easy comfortableness when we can leap forward, towards a bold life. I want you to manifest the best in yourself. Go on, begin to recreate a beautiful life for yourself.

From the Ledge with Wings in Hand,

Staci

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