I wish there was a magical device that would tell me exactly the right decisions I should be making in my life. But there is not. Without Mike as my partner and sounding board, I feel especially in the dark about making the right choices for myself.

 

I feel very let down, in a way. I had thought I had made that most important decision of one’s life: who to marry. Deciding to marry Mike and commit my life to partnership with him was a huge move and it changed everything. That’s what marriage does. But now he’s gone. My husband is dead, and my marriage is no longer. So what do I do now?

 

The court date for the preliminary hearing about my foreclosure is scheduled for just over a day after this posts. So in a matter of hours I will know something about what the next steps will be in all of this. And it’s been heavy on my mind. It’s not been oh my God please let me keep my house so much as please help me decide what is best for me. Because I really don’t know. Should I be happy if the bank makes a reasonable deal to stay? Should I be relieved it doesn’t so I can start afresh somewhere else? Will I worry that my dogs will make it near impossible to do so? 

 

I’ve been talking to friends and family quite a lot. Most of them advise me not to be too attached. And I tend to agree that is a healthy way to proceed. I keep saying if it just weren’t for the dogs…the dogs the dogs the dogs…

 

They are my babies. They were our babies…it was Mike who brought dogs into my life; before him, I had a cat…my parents had dogs, I grew up with dogs, but having one myself didn’t happen until Mike appeared…now, of course, they are paramount. Those beautiful little spirits who want nothing more than to be within a few feet of you whatever you are doing…who want to sleep with you, who follow you around, who whine when you leave the house, who whine when you get home…how could I not have a massive love affair with these selfless creatures? I need to…I must, with all good integrity, be sure they are safe, and have a happy home for the years they have left. That must be number one in my immediate life.

 

Priorities. What else is on that list? My family. To be available if they need me is important. My friends. To have people to share this ride we’re on is everything. The musician…to have someone near who cares what I did that day is fundamental. And yet…

 

I am realizing, with all this talk about the house the house the house…where am I on this list of priorities? Now that Mike is gone I think I need to think about myself a little more, especially during this crucial intermediate period when so many big decisions are looming. Yes of course I need to think about all the people…and creatures…who love me, who care about me, who need me. And yet…

 

What does Stephanie want? Well, without the magical decision-making device handy, I’m having a hard time with it all. Because it’s not just about what decision is the right one, but what that list of options really is; that full long list of possibility I don’t know about.

 

How far outside the box should I consider? Is the grief making me want to try and stay in a place of security; a comfort zone outside of which the unknown brings uncertainty? Or am I just really lucky to even be where I am? How do I structure and guide my own life in the years I have left so I look back and feel as happy and fulfilled as I can be? Will I regret making decisions based on what I imagine will make someone else happy? Part of me would, if I could, if money or other creatures were no object, pack everything in storage and get on a plane. I know that is partly a knee-jerk form of escapism; a result of the grief; a side-effect of that now familiar spectre of death hovering over me and my own life. I would travel. I would go wherever I want and do whatever I want…

 

For awhile. Because I know that being somewhere else will not change what’s going on inside of me. I would probably end up back somewhere wanting to take care of someone. Having people around who want to take care of me. Having furry creatures to snuggle up to. 

 

But will that be here in this house in this town?

 

I have a lot to think about. And I need to be paying close attention to the signs and possibilities that come my way.