I read recently that “Emergency funds are financial shock absorbers, protecting your budget from unexpected car repairs, medical bills, job loss, etc. Funds should be kept in a safe, easily accessible account. This can reduce financial stress, and act as a buffer against income disruptions.” It made me reflect on the times when I have had a healthy emergency fund, and how it greatly reduced stress in moving through the world, knowing that when / if an unexpected expense occurred, I could cover it with relative ease and minimal stress.”
This made me think of the waves of stress / anxiety I have experienced in life. In some ways, the early days / months / years of grief were painful and devastating, but in retrospect, I would not highly identify them as stressful. Switching from one income was “relatively” done with ease, because when Lynn and I bought our house, we took on a mortgage that we could afford on one income, in case one of us lost our jobs. We were both in social services, and it was 2012, so everyone’s financial stability was a bit shaky. My job was very flexible and understanding if I needed time off, and I had a lot of medical leave available. When they encouraged me to take a month off after she passed, I was privileged to have enough medical leave to be paid for my time off.
Not having too much financial stress at the time, immensely lowered my stress in general. I always say, I had the privilege to grieve the way I needed and wanted to during those early years.
But the concept of having an “emergency fund” made me think of how I have also had an “emotional emergency fund,” and I feel this was more important in a lot of ways.
My work as a Social Worker was (and still is) very triggering at times, in talking with people having health issues, people passing away, the challenges their family experiences, having educational presentations about end of life, etc. When triggered, I NEEDED to leave the situation, however I could. It was a year and a half before I could make it thru an entire educational presentation. I would go into the presentation and think to myself, maybe this will be the one that i can sit through all the way. Inevitably however, at some point during the presentation, something(s) would be said, and I would need to rush out and take a break. These breaks would range from 10-20ish min – or longer. I am lucky to work in an environment that understands the need for employees to take care of their mental health. Additional emotional emergency funds I knew I could pull from if needed was going for a walk or having a few someones I could call if I was triggered by a client interaction. I am remembering now that, for at least the first months when I went back to work, I always had in mind a specific friend I could call if I needed to. I knew my friends’ schedules enough, and usually gave them a heads up, that I would call them if I needed to. And just KNOWING that I could was usually enough of a comfort that I did not need to actually call them.
I was talking with my friend, Bryan (aka “Sea Lion Bryan!”) about support groups. He and I have facilitated regular / weekly groups. We talked about the folks who attend every group weekly for months or years, and rarely say anything. And when they do share, they show that they have been present and absorbing every word in these groups. Some folks will join a group every few weeks or months. Bryan expressed, sometimes just KNOWING that group is there if you need it, or just sitting in a setting of support and comfort is enough. I would consider that an “emotional emergency fund.”
I remember the first year when I would allow myself to be convinced by friends to go to a social setting. We are a community where “everyone knows everyone,” or at least knows who everyone is. So, everyone for the most part knew that I was grieving. The first several times I went out, at some point I would have a little break down, cry for 5 min or so, then resume socializing. My friends were super supportive. And if there some some folks who were uncomfortable or confused, I didn’t (still don’t) bother myself with their discomfort.
Other “emotional emergency funds” include my WIdow Group Chat, massages can help when I am feeling anxious, telling a friend what I need to add to our “agenda” when we meet for drinks, etc.
That said, I definitely am appreciative for the “pass” I gave myself in doing whatever I needed at any time to allow my grief to flow in whatever and whenever way it needed to. I wish everyone can experience allowing themself to feel every emotion openly as they come. Sometimes I’m jealous of.young kids having tantrums! How many of us adults would have tantrums daily!
I feel like I need to re-evaluate my “emotional emergency fund.” The 51st year of childhood is hard! lol. The increased stresses of life, relationships, work, and perimenopause is overwhelming! And there is no pause button! It’s not enough to “feel all my feelings as they come.” I wish I had a clever bank / investment analogy to insert here, but that lingo is not in my vocabulary, lol.
Grieving or not, I think I’m at an age in my life where we naturally re-evaluate all our emergency funds, and update them as needed.
