There have been countless times since Tony died that something has happened, and I just want to call him. I’ll want to share some bit of news with him, seek his advice, or just to vent. I didn’t have the option to keep his phone on since his job paid for it. Even though it’s not his phone number anymore, he’s still saved at the top of my favorites. I don’t call or text the number because I can’t imagine what I would feel like if someone else answered. But I can’t delete him either and he’s still my favorite.
This last week brought reminders of just how much I miss being able to talk to him.
It was about a weeklong saga for our youngest. Last weekend he developed a blister on his thumb that kept growing. It went from the size of corn kernel on Saturday morning to the size of an orange section Monday morning. I took him to the pediatrician first thing that morning. They recommended not opening it, gave him antibiotics, and told me to come back at the end of the week if it wasn’t better. I followed their instructions and watched as it more than doubled in size over the next 48 hours. I can’t even come up with a fruit to describe what it looked like when he woke up Wednesday morning. The blister had grown to take over the whole inside of this thumb and was growing around to the top side of it and into his palm. (I will spare all of you the photos even though it is mind boggling.) I called and sent photos to the pediatrician and sent him off to school.
They quickly called me back and told me to take him to the ER. I threw together a quick bag of essentials, including his favorite stuffed monkey and headed to pick him up from school. On the way to the ER, I had to fight back the urge to cry. I knew our son wasn’t in grave danger but it’s scary to take your kid to the ER, not to mention taking them alone.
I remember the first time we had to put one of the kids under anesthesia for a minor procedure in 2016. We were together and his embrace comforted me when I was scared, and we laughed when Asher woke up goofy from the meds. Last week, there would be no one to hold me. I had to be the strong one for our little boy without anyone to fall into.
For an ER visit, it was fairly quick. The staff kept asking what had happened and Dr. said he’d never seen anything like it. I told them it was a great question, but we had no idea. Macklin is one of a kind! Then they released the blister, dressed the wound, and gave my baby some ice cream (which I had to spoon feed him) before we headed home.
Afterwards, I was left wondering if Tony would have pushed me to call the Dr. sooner. He was always more cautious with the kids aliments than I am. I follow the advice available but don’t worry too much. I trust the medicine will work, the fever will break, the kids will be resilient. He was right and I am right. Which is also kind of funny because at the time I’m sure I used to roll my eyes a little and think he was over-reacting. But hindsight gives us clarify and I miss the balance and support we provided each other.