Ok really?
I am not dating any more
I’m done.
No seriously, this is just ridiculous.

I stopped dating a few months ago. Why?
Because it was putting a damper on my little widow parade!

I am not sure why these men feel it’s okay to do what they do. I am not sure how they have gotten this far in the dating world. I am not sure how they tell themselves that what they did or said is normal. I’m not sure why Darwin hasn’t taken them out of the gene pool yet.

There was sensual guy. I mean he takes my hand while we are in a movie and traces his index finger along mine like he’s trying to detect the unique finger print on every one of my fingers. He kisses deliberately and with such tenderness that I forgot where I am and what time it is. The rest is done with such expertise that I want to write a thank you note to whomever the hell taught him everything he knows. And the man can’t open a darn car door and has not once come to my door when he picks me up, preferring to text me when he’s outside.

There’s funny, witty and smart guy. We have these rambling conversations. Heart attacks being the number one killer of women (yes it’s true) and how they are hard for doctors to detect and he even knows why! Brain surgery to emotional intelligence and The Outliers. We move to the ethical and moral issues raised in The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. We discuss Bach’s cannons, Led Zepplin’s blues roots and Alicia Keys’ voice. He matches me, witty comment for witty comment. And when he kisses, it’s like he’s a snake and my lips are his meal. I find myself wiping my mouth (and face) with my sleeve.

There was the impresser. His whole purpose, it seems, was to impress me with his Hollywood connections. (I do live in LA) He made the mistake of dropping a name of an actor whose son is very good friends with my son. He then proceeds to tell me about this business meeting he had with this actor. It was strange because at the exact same time he said the meeting took place, I was standing next to the actor as we watched our boys play football.

There’s the one who admitted to Googling me before we met. On our first meeting, he took my hand in his and with puppy eyes, said “I am so sorry that you lost your husband. I want you to know that if you ever want to cry about it, I’m here for you.”

There was the boob grabber. I say that with a completely straight face. One small kiss and his hand is not only on my boob but squeezing it, like it’s a bag of money, a small bag, but a bag none the less.

There was the still-pissed-off-at-my-ex-wife guy and the why-don’t-you-have-more-time-for-me-even though-you-are-a-widow-raising-three-kids guy.

There was the “Oh, I didn’t mention that I was married?” guy.

There was protective guy. Opening car doors, making sure that I walk on the inside of the sidewalk, gentle guiding me though doors and crowds, treating me like a woman who would have bored a rock.

There’s the one whose best friend called me after I had been on five or six dates with his friend and revealed that this guy was suffering from anxiety and depression. Followed it with how good I am for him which was followed with don’t stop seeing him because “I’m not sure what he’ll do.”

There was the one who told me I was beautiful every 3.76 minutes during our 47 minute coffee.

There was the musician who serenaded me, spontaneously, in a coffee shop (fun!) and ended it with a declaration of love for me. Everyone went “awwww” It was our first meeting.

There are more stories.

It’s nice to get dressed up, to go out and be admired by someone of the grown-up male persuasion. And I’m not looking for another Art. (He stopped opening car doors for me after baby #3. Did he think there was a correlation between car door opening and pregnancy?)

But for now, I’m retiring from the dating world. Kids, sorry. The prospect of getting a step dad ended when the last guy took his fork, reached across the table and speared my potatoes, as if we were a couple. It was like boob grabbing, only out in the open.

—

Just got off of the phone with my mom. She reminded me all those men I listed above, they’ve always been out there. I met them when I was dating in my 20s, it’s just that I forgot about them after being with Art for so long.

So…..after I recover, I will be back out there! We all deserve another someone!