Widow's Voice

Is he still my boyfriend?

| Posted by:

I still can’t seem to figure out what to call Boris. I still call him my boyfriend over 4 years after his death. Is that normal? Last week I was on a work trip and was talking to a colleague who I do not know well. We were discussing traveling, and I mentioned that I went to China for a Study Abroad trip and also met “my boyfriend’s extended family”. Then she asked follow-up questions which led me to say, “well, he passed away a few years ago…” Of course, then there was that sort of awkward sympathy and surprised reaction, which I am used to, but then I started thinking…what term should I use instead? My late boyfriend? My dead boyfriend? I mean, he isn’t my ex-boyfriend. My late partner maybe sounds better? I think if I could call him my late husband that might sound better but I am sure that still isn’t easy to say and still feels weird. 

Truth is, I still think of him as my boyfriend a lot of the time. Maybe it is because he’s the only real one I have ever had and he was my boyfriend for so long. And maybe if I ever start a new relationship (I have a kind of complicated one now, but not really a boyfriend yet) it will be different. But, then what will Boris be? Maybe I will have a dead boyfriend and an alive boyfriend? I know all widows go through this…you have a late husband and a husband? Our lives are weird and hard. But, I am glad we can write and talk about these things. 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.