There’s a trend going around where people are videotaping someone with their birthday cake. As they sit there, their loved ones put a lighted candle in the cake, and tell them what THEIR wish for the birthday celebrant is. Example: “I wish you happiness this year.” “I wish you continued success in your career.” “I wish you living your life for yourself, and finding love this year.” Oh the tears when you watch these videos! Usually, the celebrant did not know the plan, and was tearfully surprised.
Another trend, which does NOT include a surprised birthday celebrant, is having a birthday cake for a past loved one, and putting a candle or a toothpick with a note on it, and stating what they think the birthday celebrant would have been proud of them in the past year. Examples: “I think you’d be proud of me getting a job.” “I think you’d be proud of that I learned how to do the groceries.” “I think you’d be proud of me getting married.” “I think you’d be proud of me reading all your favorite books.” “I think you’d be proud of me for staying strong.” “I think you’d be proud of me trying to live my best life without you in it.” OH even more tears!!! And, I LOVE this trend! (I have not tried it yet, but my Mom’s birthday is in October…) The things people say are so poignant, and remind me of how exciting and important it is when you tell your loved ones of an accomplishment, and how bittersweet those accomplishments can sometimes feel when they sometimes amplify the absence of our people…
There are sooo many things I would have to tell Lynn I think she would be proud of me for, in the 11.5 years she has been gone. But, at least I had my Mom to share these achievements with. Our culture (Filipino) is not big on saying the words,” I am proud of you.” After my Mom passed, I had to take a lot of time and remember the numerous ways my Mom DID say she was proud of me – without words.
Lynn and I spent every moment together we could, and talked non-stop no matter how long we had been spending time together. And yet, I rarely said, “I love you.” Again, “feeling” words were not part of our common vocabulary growing up. I know she knew without a doubt I loved her, despite not saying it often. (I am a huge acts of service love language person.) After she passed, I experienced so much support and love, and I recognized people wanted to know I loved them by my saying it. So, even if it was uncomfortable at first, learning to verbally express to people I loved them was one of the first lessons I learned after Lynn passed. (I have no doubt everyone I love / loved knows / knew I loved them, through the time I give and love I show them.) Nowadays, I say “I love you” constantly and regularly with my closest friends.
I intentionally spend as much time as I can with all my closest friends and family. I am so relieved that I did not have the regret of thinking I should I have spent more time with Lynn before she passed. Watching these videos makes me realize that words – “FEELING words” (ick) – are very important as well to share with loved ones. And – the HAPPY feeling words, not just the ones when you are mad at them! Also, these videos help me realize the realistic passage of time, and what has happened in that time. There can sometimes be a time blindness on the grief journey, and I like that these videos made on a loved one’s birthday acknowledges another year passing, it also acknowledges how I have moved forward and done things my loved ones would be proud of in the past year, despite it sometimes feeling like I’m stuck.
