Widow's Voice

Half the Road of the First Year – Just Let It Flow

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Tomorrow marks 6 months since Tin has passed. How am I already here? How does time move so slowly and so quickly at the same time? Honestly it is Life’s biggest blessing and curse. As I look back at these 6 months, I see a new road behind me that I have paved on my own. Of course there have been others to help me through the thick brush but I had to be the one to cut through the weeds. Every once in awhile I see something amazing and I catch myself talking to Tin. Sometimes it feels good and sometimes it causes an upset. Either way I never expected to be where I am today only 6 months after my greatest loss.

I’m writing this as I sit in a hotel room near Niagara Falls. I’ve never been here and the site of the Falls is awe inspiring to say the least. Gallons upon gallons of water pouring and churning is a beautiful and perfect comparison for the way these past months have been. I’m in Niagara because out of nowhere I was asked to come up to the Aquarium to consult. A huge deal in my industry and a huge check I wasn’t expecting. The stress flow slows and the success flow increases. It’s been an amazing visit but that’s not all. Earlier this week I was promoted to Director of Animal Management at my full time position. Another huge huge success in a very small and competitive industry. With one Facebook update, my stature grew tenfold and I’m already being asked advice from others. Acknowledgement and a raise. The stress flow slows and the satisfaction flow increases. Couldn’t be better but it doesn’t stop there. I work a third “job” selling all natural products that I truly stand by. Anyone who has started a business knows it can be difficult, hard work and long hours. I put that time in three months ago and in 90 days my team’s success is multiplying. Last night I was updated that my business grew 25% this month and it is only mid-month. I honestly don’t know what to think except incredible gratitude.

I feel like I’m in a fairy tale and I’m so happy for all I’m now being giving but never doubt for one minute that I have forgotten my long lost Prince Charming. I truly believe he is with me and guiding me through the woods towards all these great things. There is no other explanation…..

I love you Tin and I miss you every single day…

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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