Sometimes I do plan a topic that I want to write about in this weekly post and sometimes I just let my brain talk through my hands across the keyboard. This is one of the later types of posts.
Everybody dies. There, I said it. It’s that proverbial elephant in the room of life. While we’re busy living it, it sits there, mouthing “tick tock” to us while we try and ignore it as best as possible and live that full life everyone tells us we should be living.
I think as a modern society, at least here in the U.S., this thought that death is something to be not thought about is rather fortified. It’s certainly not something to cozy up to. It’s the biggest of the biggest deals, but yeah, let’s kind of hide it under the bed, right?
Today a firetruck and ambulance rolled up to my neighbor’s house across our small cul-de-sac. Apparently he’s okay, but spending the night in the hospital. The neighbor was not forthcoming with exactly what happened, but it’s moment’s like that unexpected ambulance that drive home, oh right, anything can happen and anyone can be gone in the literal blink of an eye.
What else that’s going on in my life that’s bringing all these death feels to the surface once again is the fact my dad is going down hill. The thing that really gets to me the most though is that he’s not at that “too far gone” point where things are rather hopeless, but nonetheless seems to have basically given up on a lot of things. It’s like, I can clearly see what he should be doing (in his case, addressing the hearing difficulties, eating a nutritious diet, drinking enough water, getting some exercise, and doing things that will engage his brain). I’ve addressed this with him. His answer on why he’s not doing any of it is, “I don’t know”.
When faced with challenge, I’m the type of person who rises to the challenge. I feel my challenge with my dad is to make all attempts that I can while he’s still around to at least slow down the progression of what’s going on and add more enjoyable moments for him. He refuses to go to any medical provider (side note: my mom and I have scheduled an appointment we’re taking him to, probably under protest, later next month). He won’t do even the simplest things to make his quality of whatever life he has left better. It just really gets to me.
Why? Well, I went through the same thing with Mario for a solid 10 years. I could see what was happening as he was losing the battle with alcohol. I tried every which way to get him engaged in making some healthy change, but I lost the battle along with him.
I’ve also been going back through memories of my dad when he was younger. How he always talked big about doing this or that, or making a healthy change in his life, but it very rarely materialized. It’s almost as if him just saying he was going to do something, was just as good as doing it in his mind.
In Mario’s case, it was more of an out of sight, out of mind type of thing. The alcohol dulled the depression (and over time, just clear thinking, period) and as long as that was going on and his body was still functioning, he didn’t have a problem in his mind. He shrugged off every attempt to help him because in his mind he didn’t need help.
I feel like I didn’t learn the lesson enough the first time so the universe is just throwing me another one to go, “do you get it now?” I want so much to be able to help the people I love in my life but if they don’t want the help? If their brains are clouded with alcohol or cognitive decline or just straight up, old fashioned obstinance? Then what? I’m one of those “helper” type people. I WANT to do something. I know it comes down to one of those, “do what you can” type of situations, but allowing things to progress.. for things to run their course, can be a hellish road. I know from experience now.
It’s times like this that I’m reminded of a translation of Taoist master Lao Tzu.
The best, like water,
Benefit all and do not compete.
They dwell in lowly spots that everyone else scorns.
Putting others before themselves,
They find themselves in the foremost place
And come very near to the Tao.
In their dwelling, they love the earth;
In their heart, they love what is deep;
In personal relationships, they love kindness;
In their words, they love truth.
In the world, they love peace.
In personal affairs, they love what is right.
In action, they love choosing the right time.
It is because they do not compete with others
That they are beyond the reproach of the world.
