We each carry our grief – deal with our grief – in our own way. It’s important to know that there really is no right way for any of us to do this, so please don’t ever let someone tell you how you must do it or that you’re doing it wrong. You may choose to reach out to others for help or connections. Or perhaps you may prefer to keep it close to yourself as you work to find your way through it. Or you may do both.

I tended to think I’m more of the ‘keep it close’ type … at least that’s how I’m feeling right now, this second time around. I’m retired and I don’t have as many friends here in this small town as I did when I lived in the Las Vegas valley. And because it’s an hour plus drive over the mountain into Vegas, since Jim died I’ve often chosen to just stay home rather than attend some of the things that previously brought me joy – hockey games and Smith Center Broadway shows. And yet, that feels like what is best for me right now. I’m comfortable staying at home – cocooning, I guess. It feels easier.

But when I look back at those early years after Vern died, I see that reaching out to others was what got me through the tough times.  I started writing a blog immediately where I was very honest about all I was feeling. It felt good to release it. I joined several online widowed communities. I also got involved with Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits and Brave Girls, interacting with all sorts of new friends. I was still working then, too, so I had people around me all day long.

So is it my age that has changed how I’m dealing with my grief?

I really don’t know. And I’m not sure it matters. I was 59 when Vern died; 74 when Jim died. It is what it is. And I just need to find my way through it.

But I am thinking perhaps I need to add another task to my ‘to do’ list:

Identify the local social groups that are available

Really put some effort into discovering what’s here in my small town. Do some volunteering. Try something new. I’m not ready to do this just yet because I really do need to focus on clearing things out – beyond what I’m currently doing to prepare for Jim’s sons visit and our community garage sale. But I will put this task on my whiteboard and will make a promise to myself that I will commit to this soon.

Now I did venture out to see a favorite performer get his shot at a major Vegas hotel showroom. I bought a ticket to go all by myself and while I came very close to not going at the last minute … I did it – and had a really great time. I do that more often than I should … sign up for something and then decide I just can’t make it out the door. I guess that’s why I buy just one ticket – so there’s no one to push me to go. I will try to do better at this, too.

So in the midst of digging through the guest bedroom closet I made a lovely discovery. After moving a ton of bedding out to the garage for the sale, I discovered a box stuffed full with old letters … letters Jim had written his first wife while in Viet Nam in 1969 and then in the 70s in Korea. I only read one or two but I’m hopeful his sons will realize how very special these are and will read them all.