Cousin Judy called out of the blue a few days ago to inform me that she will be here later this week to visit family. She wants me to join them for dinner on Friday and possibly for Sunday luncheon, too.
The family members I refer to are her close family members. I expect those in attendance will include Cousin Jay, who is almost 80, looks twenty years younger, but, I am told, displays memory loss and other symptoms of dementia. For many years Cousin Jay was married to Cousin Judy’s sister, Cousin Lynn, who died from cancer in the mid-1990s. In any event, Cousin Jay’s daughter, Cousin Traci, moved him here from Florida about a year back to keep an eye on him due to his deteriorating mental state. Cousin Judy informs me that Cousin Traci will be accompanied by a longtime paramour, whom I have never met, as well as her younger teenage daughter, whom I have met on occasion. However, I doubt that I would recognize the girl if we bumped into each other on the street. Cousin Jay’s son, Cousin Kory, will be here from Paris, where he has lived for more than twenty years. I last saw Cousin Kory in 2013 or 2014 while Lee and I visited Paris. In fact, the photo below of me and Lee that goes with my blog byline is a street scene outside the Paris apartment, found down a long flight of stairs from Montmartre, where we were staying on this same trip. Cousin Judy tells me that Cousin Kory had been unable to travel to the United States until now due to Covid.
Judy’s own son, Cousin Jason, will be arriving from Michigan. Cousin Judy reminded me that on her trip here this past Summer, we met Jason, his wife, and two boys for pancakes. This trip, Jason and most everyone else will be traveling stag.
Finally, there is Cousin Jay’s brother, Cousin Barry from Florida, who possibly will be traveling with his significant other. Although I have never met Barry, I nonetheless plan to call him “Cousin” when we are introduced. For that matter, I do not know Cousin Barry’s significant other, but, if she does comes here with him, I might will call her cousin, too. In fact, my only real first cousin among the whole bunch is Cousin Judy. At least for Jay and me, attaching the moniker “Cousin” to everybody has become a running gag. I hope he still remembers.
The family dynamic has always been something of interest to me. Cousin Judy’s mom and my mom were very close throughout their lives and without fail talked every week no matter where they were living at the time. After my mom passed away, my aunt continued to call my dad every week until the end of her life. She was always my favorite aunt. Though not related, my dad and my favorite aunt’s husband were best friends.
Yet, there was a palpable undercurrent between the two sides of our family that existed for many years. I am not sure but I suspect it might have had to do with the fact that my uncle was at one time a successful and quite prosperous businessman whereas my own father’s one attempt to become a successful entrepreneur had ended in failure. Regardless of the actual reason, I used to sense some petty jealousy on my mom’s part toward my aunt’s family and an attitude of self-satisfied smugness on my aunt and uncle’s part toward my folks. Even today, many years removed, and all the principals long gone, several of my aunt’s grandchildren display a similar smugness, as if smugness were an inherited trait.
However, the reality is that, at some point in time, my uncle’s financial circumstances turned for the worse. By then my dad had become moderately successful in his own right during a long career working for a national insurance company. My father introduced my uncle to the insurance business when my uncle fell on hard times. Later, he would introduce Cousin Jay to the business after he lost a job.
As for us kids, I was always friendly with Cousin Judy, who is close to me in age. She is by nature very kind, quick to please, easy to like and not the least bit smug. Yet, for several years I spent a lot more time with Cousin Lynn and Cousin Jay after they moved back here from California. I know it bugged my sister that I was so close to our cousins, particularly to Cousin Lynn, the oldest of the first cousins, who was around my sister’s age. My sister always felt that she was socially excluded by Lynn, whom I think she admired. Based on my observations I agree, but I would offer that my sister contributed to their fraught relationship by acting petulant or resentful and finally refusing even to engage directly with Cousin Lynn to clear the air. While she was still alive our mother did nothing to reduce this animus. To the contrary, after Cousin Lynn died our mother still acted like an aggrieved party because Cousin Jay and his daughter continued to exclude my sister while including me.
As for Cousin Traci, I am convinced she would exclude me, too, if left to her own devices. I suspect this will be the case once Cousin Jay is gone.
There would be no love lost between us. We were never closely connected, anyway, and I gave up on her completely after she disrespected me, my sister, and the memory of our father by failing to show up for the wake or the funeral of her “favorite uncle.” Cousin Traci then compounded this serious transgression with flimsy excuses and transparent lies. Not surprisingly, over the next six months she disappeared entirely from our lives. Then one day in the mail I received an invitation from Cousin Traci her to attend a traditional religious ceremony for her younger daughter where it is customary to give a gift. Certain family members of my folks’ generation would describe this invitation as a display of chutzpah. I sent the girl a gift, of course, but with a a note to her mom, expressing my regrets while reminding her that it was Cousin Lynn who once said that there are consequences to our actions.
After my dad passed away in 2016, I saw Cousin Traci exactly one time at a large family gathering where we sat at opposite ends of a long table. However, to Cousin Traci’s credit, she did attend last year’s celebration of Lee’s life at Deer Tick Manor and brought along Cousin Jay to boot. I considered her appearance there to be an important peace offering that leaves a glimmer of hope for a more cordial relationship with her in the future, though my expectations still are low.
Nonetheless, on balance, I must admit that I am looking forward to this weekend’s impromptu gathering of the “cousins club.”
