i’ve been hearing

that question

a lot.

so…

for those of you 

who don’t know

here goes…

5 weeks of bedrest.

(2 at home, 3 in the hospital).

liz had low amniotic fluid.

baby had her cord around her neck.

baby’s heart rate dropped

(multiple times).

liz almost delivered

(multiple times).

the day finally came

(3/24).

madeline was born via c-section.

everyone was happy

and healthy.

liz was told

to hang out in bed

for another 24 hours

and then she was going to

see madeline.

she waited patiently

hearing stories

and seeing photos

of me

feeding and changing

madeline’s diapers.

(she was soooo jealous and i teased her mercilessly that i was 1, 2, 3 diapers ahead of her and that she had to catch up).

24 hours came

and she got ready

to lay her hands 

on madeline

for the very

first

time.

she got up from bed

(with the help of some nurses and me).

we joked about her new-found independence.

i told her that she

had to start waiting on me

because i’d been waiting on her

for 5 weeks.

she laughed, 

and said,

“of course.”

she walked to the mirror

and said, 

“my hair looks like shit.”

we all laughed

(because her hair looked great, especially for someone who’d been on bed rest for 5 weeks).

the nurse said, 

“are you ready to go?”

she said, 

“yes.”

her excitement

was overflowing.

she turned around

to sit in her wheelchair

for her ride to see

madeline.

she said, 

“i feel lightheaded”

and then she passed out.

we got her in to 

her hospital bed.

doctors and nurses

rushed to help her.

but nothing could be done

to bring her

back.

no one to blame.

shitty luck

and

a pulmonary embolism

are what led us to

the saddest,

most horrific moment

of my life.

(and many other people’s lives).