Hello friends. Happy Sunday to everyone!
Today Id like to write about where I’m at, mentally and emotionally, at this point in life. I am 53 years old, and I have been married twice. This is something I still have a tough time accepting as reality. I never in a million years saw that being my reality at this point in my life. And yet, here we are. So, after one husband rudely dropping dead on me, and another husband even more rudely divorcing me and running off to a tropical island; I find myself being very unsure about a lot of things. I am unsure how I feel about being in a commited relationship. I am unsure of how I feel about being someone’s girlfriend again. I am unsure if marriage would ever be a thing for me, a third time. Part of me feels like maybe the third time’s the charm, and the other part feels like, who the hell am I anyway, Elizabeth Taylor? I mean, how many men should I marry before it becomes humorous and a little weird? I am unsure of the answers to any of these questions.
I’ve made my way back to the dating apps again, like I did about 5 years after Don’s death. I don’t really know what Im looking for, other than someone fun to spend some time with, do things with on weekends when I have time, maybe share some intimacy, and just sort of see what happens. The problem with that, though, is that Im dealing with humans, and humans have emotions. I am not out to hurt anyone, so Im being honest with people that Im not ready to be “tied down” and just sort of seeing what develops. Things are definitely happening on the fun side, but things are also getting a tad bit complicated, and Im unsure what to do about that. Maybe nothing. Maybe I just let it play out how it will. I havent lied to anyone, after all, and Im not doing anything wrong. But again … feelings. emotions. humans.
I feel unsure about so many things right now. However, the one thing I AM sure of and feel sure of, is this: even after all that I have been through, I still believe in great love. I still want, eventually, to experience that again, and I still feel it is very possible. It’s just that my version of what that looks like is very different than what it used to look like for me, and I guess Im still trying to figure out what my next great love will look like, and how it might play out. It may not include marriage. It may not include living together. I just dont know. And right now, I think its perfectly okay not to know. I am just out there trying to see what works, and what doesnt, and I truly think Don would say to me right now: “Get it, girl!”
To be continued …
