Widow's Voice

To my kids, I’m sorry

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http://widowsvoice.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/family.jpgSome weeks are just harder than others. Some weeks everything just weighs on me more. This was one of those weeks.

I love my kids with everything I have. I honestly don’t think I would of gotten through any of this without them. They have always been my reason for living. For pushing forward, for fighting through the grief and never going off the deep end. The thought of them losing both parents is too much to bare.
But i also feel like I don’t give them enough sometimes. Being a single parent to four children becomes too much at times and I can’t keep it together. I don’t have as much patience as I used to. I find myself yelling more than I ever have. When Joey was here I had someone to tag in when I couldn’t take it anymore. Now it’s just me.

I worry greatly that I’m not giving my kids the love they deserve. I worry they only see me as this mean mom who yells and is constantly correcting them.

 

Honestly as much as they have been through the last thing they deserve is a bad mom. My son who is five told me this week he doesn’t like me. It cut me hard. I know kids say things when they are mad but he has always been such a sweet boy. I just feel like there is so much sorrow in them and they don’t know how to express it.

I try to be there for them as much as I can but the truth is I am wore thin. When things were stressful in the past I used to always tell myself this too will pass. One day my kids will be grown and I will miss having little ones waking me up at night to snuggle. It’s just hard, hard to calm down these days. I’m tired and sad. I know these are things I can not take out on them but the truth is it shows. They know mommy is sad sometimes and probably can guess why.

I wish I had all the patience in the world and could be that perfect mom. But I can’t. I am human and I’m going to make mistakes and unfortunately they will be apart of some of those mistakes.

My hope is they always know I love them and I can make them proud. My hope is they become amazing compassionate adults who better this world. My hope is they always know I will be there home and they will be mine.