This life
This life without him
This life without his tangible Love
His eyes no longer upon me from across the room
His smile no longer beckoning me into his arms
This life
Of silence at the end of the day
Quiet all around me
Just my thoughts rolling and roiling around in my brain
And in my heart, though I’ve only realized since his death that it is possible to have thoughts in my heart as well as my brain
Yes I can and do seek out company
Friends when I can
Phone calls to family and others
But
This silence
The silence of his absence
Is not really about noise
It’s about absence
So I go and I do and I don’t do and I sit and I move and I’m still and I’m everything and I’m nothing
Until I can no longer bear the silence
And I go to bed
To sleep
A time when it is supposed to be silent
But
My brain and my heart and my mind and my soul
Spin and swirl and spiral with memories and unspoken words
Sometimes I’m driven to speak the words and the absence aloud to the quiet room
Which isn’t the same you know
So seeking to change the energy
I find whatever anonymous no threatening music no violence no anger very placid show available on my laptop and run it continually through the night
At least it’s noise when I wake during the night, right?
Because wake I will and do
Distraction from my heart
Distraction from missing-ness
Distraction from emptiness
Until morning finally arrives and I wake again to that familiar companion…
Silence
Another day