There are a lot of weird thoughts that come into my head on the regular, as a person who has now been widowed for over a decade. The widowed mind is strange. Or maybe MY mind is just strange. I don’t know. What I DO know is my brain makes me laugh sometimes, and other times, makes me feel sad and reflective.
One of the ongoing things that I think about, all these years later, is the relationship or connection between me and Don when we were married and he was alive and well, versus the relationship and connection between me and Don NOW, while he is dead and I am still very much alive. And yes, I realize how incredibly WEIRD this is to even think about, never mind to get across, but like I said, my brain is extremely weird.
Here’s the thing: often times, I feel like in some ways, the connection I feel to Don now is deeper and more profound than ever, and Im not sure if that is because nothing could BE more profound than feeling a deep connection to someone who is not here on earth, or if its because Im just a better person and more patient and more loving and have become a deeper version of myself because he died. If reading this is giving you a massive headache, feel free to skip it this week and take a break from my crazy mind. Here – I’ll even give you a minute to exit this nonsense.
Okay. If you’re still here, you’re either as nutso as I am in the brain, or you’re just super curious as to what the hell this wacky chick is talking about. Either way, thanks for staying. I guess my mind often thinks about how happy Don and I were, and also how simple we were. Did we just not know any better, or was he just a fairly simple guy? He seemed to be happy as a clam just doing very simple things, just being together, a lot of times doing next to nothing. He seemed to be bothered by very little. And yet, when I look back, I often kick myself or berate myself for not being a better wife / a better person. Not that I was a terrible person, but I was so much less aware and awake than I am now. I couldnt and didnt know about things like sudden death, and how it will affect you forever. I couldnt and didnt know how little time we actually would have together to do not much of anything, and maybe we should have done a lot more. I couldnt know that a married couple should be better prepared in case of you dies randomly, and so we never looked into life insurance or owning a home or having kids sooner. We barely even had a savings account at four years into our marriage. We were just simply getting by.
At the time, it seemed like enough, and it seemed like we would eventually get further and buy a house or condo and have the family and figure it all out. But there was no urgency, no big movement on these things happening. And I guess I regret that now, in some ways. Or I just wish we had spent more time actually putting these things into place, and less time doing not much of anything except enjoying each other and being with friends and family.
Back then, our love was deep and it was very real – I guess it just never felt complicated. He was not complicated. He made everything simple, that is just how he was. And so maybe it really is that simple. Maybe we just never had the chance or opportunity to create the life we wanted, while we were happy with the life we had. Sometimes I just wish that I had the knowledge about life and death that I have today – way back then. I wish I had been more of the person that I am today, back then. In some ways, I feel like I am a better wife to Nick, because I am widowed from Don. And while Im thankful to know what is important and be this version of myself today, I sometimes wish that Don could have seen more of that. But that is impossible, because I was not that person yet.
I hope he sees it now. I hope he really is there somehow, in my life, in my world, his energy floating around and somehow knowing and aware that his love and his death have created so many things in the life that I live today. I hope he can somehow know that maybe our love wasnt so simple after all. Maybe it has changed and shifted into something more, and maybe I feel like I am still learning from him, and that he is always teaching me, in his unassuming and kind and beautiful way.
Or maybe Im just crazy. I dont even know anymore.
My brain hurts now, and I need to go lie down.
Thanks for letting me ramble.