It’s been one of those weeks where one looks for external factors to blame bumps in the road of life on.
Is Mercury in retrograde? Maybe it’s solar flares? Full moon? But in my case, my personal funk was probably brought on by consuming too much in the way of news and social media. Not always the best thing to do when you’re empathic. On top of that, it was one of those weeks full of technical issues. From things at work to my Jeep intermittently getting the, “red lighting bolt of doom” on the dash, it just seems that this week was hell-bent on being a stressful, bumpy ride.
When I’d realized what I’d done to myself through what folks call, “doom scrolling” now, it reminded me of Mario…
especially in his last few years where he became absolutely obsessed with the news. He was legitimately depressed though, which I am not, and there were other differences. Like he had a tendency to bear the burden of all the world’s ills on his shoulders as if all of it was his fault. I used to tell him that you can’t let things that are well outside your control have that sort of effect on you. For me, I just take everything to heart. I feel too much. This week just seemed like a slow car wreck in the news cycle and I couldn’t look away. When things are so far outside your control, it sometimes feels like the only thing you can do is pay close attention. I am taking a break though. It does no one any good when I’m unable to function at full power.
So the other night I do what I normally do to recharge–sit in a hot bath in the dark at 2am…
I’m a Pisces through and through and the water is absolutely healing for us zodiac fish. In moments like that, sometimes I’ll just talk out loud, as if I was talking to Mario like how we used to have many late night deep conversations about life or just talk about what’s going on in the world. Sometimes it’s helpful to actually vocalize what’s on your mind (even when you’re not sitting in a hot bath in the dark).
Car trouble and car rides…
Yesterday I had to have my Jeep towed over to a second auto shop in an attempt to track down what’s throwing this mystery error. Every time it happens, it stops happening the minute it rolls into the shop. It’s uncanny. So it’s like trying to chase a ghost. The owner of the place is an old guy who started the shop back in 1973. Of course he doesn’t do the work anymore, but he likes to hang out and talk with customers, that sort of thing. I wouldn’t say I’m totally mechanically inclined, but growing up with a dad who worked in engine rooms in the Navy and was a pretty good mechanic on cars at one point in time, a little of that rubs off. So I’m able to “talk shop” and the mechanics are usually impressed I know what I’m talking about. So we had a good chat. After an hour or so when it was apparent I’d have to leave the Jeep there, the old guy offered to drive me back home, so I took him up on it.
We were talking about random things on the drive. He was going to pick up his grand daughter next, so we started talking about family. He mentioned off hand that his wife passed away 2022, then fell a little silent. I have to admit that finding out someone else lost their spouse always makes me feel bummed that we actually have that in common, you know? After a moment, I said, “I’m sorry about your wife”. He said thanks and then told me that her last days were perfect though. It was apparently just after Christmas. They’d spent a wonderful time with all their kids and grandkids. She hadn’t been ill or anything. Couple weeks later, she had what she thought was heartburn and went to bed. Woke up in the morning and was complaining of severe back pain. He walked into the other room to get something for her, came back and she was gone. Just like that. He said, “It was the blackest day of my life.” And then he felt silent again.
We approached the turn for my road and I said, “My husband passed away in 2021, but it was after a long-term illness”. He said he was sorry to hear that too. We pulled into my driveway and I thanked him again for driving me back home.
I’m still thinking about that, “blackest day of my life” quote though. Such a descriptor for it. Just makes me remember my own blackest day. I felt for the guy because he didn’t get to say a proper good bye or anything to his wife. He just walked back into the bedroom and she’d already passed away. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t have to go through an unexpected shock like that. I had ample time to prepare, if that was any consolation. Nevertheless, you’re forever changed when you become a widowed person. There will always be that “blackest day”, no matter what the circumstances are, no matter how old you are, and no matter how much time passes from that.
Better things…
Anyway, it’s 1:30am on March 1st now as I’m writing this. It’s officially my birthday month and I’ll celebrate another orbit around the sun next Tuesday. I’m giving myself a break from doom scrolling, looking forward to some good news on my Jeep, looking forward to the weekend and looking forward to maybe getting up to the mountains for some snowboarding soon (see what I’m doing here … just putting this out to the universe, as you do!). Here’s to much better week!