Ive always said that every end is another beginning, and every beginning is another end. Usually one happens because of the other, and they sort of blend together. They can both be emotional and scary and often times, when we are going through the end of something, the last thing we want to hear is that it could also be the beginning of something else. Most of us need time. Time to process. Time to adjust. Time to grieve. Time to do absolutely nothing except rest our bodies and hearts for the next thing.
For me, lately, there have been SO MANY THINGS changing and ending or coming to an end lately. Its a lot, and its pretty exhausting. I really wish I could take a break from it all, but I cannot. We close on our house in two weeks, and we have to be gone and out of here and moved forward onto the next thing, even when I dont really know what that is for me. My marriage falling apart has been a VERY different experience than being widowed suddenly, so I really dont know how to do this whole divorce thing. Also, Im not a fan. I would give divorce Zero stars. Do not recommend.
Last week, I went to Camp Widow San Diego. It was amazing, as always. So many friends, old and new connections, fantastic workshops and healing tools, and so much more. And of course, making widowed people laugh being my favorite thing, having the honor to give my comedic presentation again was just a spectacular thing. This was the last Camp Widow in its current, 3-day format. Going forward, Camp Widow will be expanding to hold one-day events in many different cities throughout the U.S., in order to reach more widowed people, and in order to make the program more affordable both for the organization and for those attending. In the end, this is a good thing, and more people will be able to receive the help and amazing support that Camp Widow provides. And also, it is a huge change, and it will take adjusting, and grieving, and processing. I feel like Im starting to slowly do all of that now.
After getting home from San Diego, the next thing I had to immediately deal with was the divorce. Our divorce hearing was Thursday. We had to be at the courthouse for 8:30am, where we stood in line with other couples also getting uncontested divorces. We had to check in, and then go sit inside the courtroom with those other couples, about 50 of us in total. Then, one by one, the judge calls each case up, you swear in, and she goes over your marriage details and then grants you a divorce, right there in front of all the other couples. It was very strange watching all these other couples who also couldnt make things work for a variety of reasons – it was emotional standing up there and talking about the breakdown of my marriage. Two days later, I still feel sad and tired and a little depressed about the whole thing. Sometimes I just cant believe all that is happening, and all that we have been through as a couple in a very short time.
August 16th is our closing date on the house, and so the next two weeks is more packing, more yard sales to get rid of more stuff, more tearing things down and figuring things out and deciding what thing goes where and should we just give it away because its not selling and smoke inspections and last minute paperwork to sign and on and on and on ….
Its very weird slowly packing up your home, and literally watching as the space around you gets less and less personal, and more like just ordinary walls. Honestly, this all sucks, and Im tired. And I have to just keep going, because I am working on top of all of it, and now Ill be completely on my own soon and paying 100% of the bills and rent alone. Im scared. What if I continue to struggle and cant find work that pays all the bills? What then?
Of course, all of this nonsense brings back that initial grief and that feeling of “IF YOU DIDNT FREAKIN DIE, I WOULD NOT HAVE TO DO ANY OF THIS B.S.!!!! ” I am missing Don Shepherd like mad. And, oh – yes – we just passed the 13th year anniversary of his death, on the 13th. So theres that.
I need a nap. Wake me up when all this hard transition stuff is over. Thanks.
