Sorry this post is being posted so late today. We have been outside most of the day enjoying the gorgeous weather that has finally come our way the last couple of days. We have been out by our pool, and we gave our friends an “open invite” to stop by , have some food on the grill, a dip in the pool, and some conversation and relaxation.
Yesterday, a few of my widowed friends came over, and then a friend from the stand-up comedy community came by too. Me, my husband Nick, my widowed pals, and my comedian friend all got along famously; laughing and eating chicken legs and watermelon and macaroni salad. All these people from different walks of life, talking and connecting. And one of the things we all connected about, was loss. There was a lot of talk about loss, and dark humor, and compassion and understanding when it came to others and their specific and different losses. Today, we had more friends come by, different ones, and again we had wonderful conversations while floating around in the pool. The thing about having been through some serious stuff in life, is that you tend to want to hang out with others who have been through some stuff too. Or at least I do. I love being around other people who can laugh with abandon, cry without shame, and have discussions about things like death and grief and other uncomfortable topics, without flinching an inch. This is what makes me happy – this weird, widowed version of me. I can’t help it. And I don’t really want to.
In the midst of hanging out with our friends today, several weird thoughts went through my head, which is normal for me. Thoughts about my past and present intersecting. Things that make zero sense in reality, but perfect sense in my mind and heart. Things like: “Don would love our house and our pool. I wish he could come visit and swim with us and hang out too. He loved hanging out in the pool with our friends, back when we used to go over to our friends house who had a pool.” Things like: “If Nick and Don had met, I know they would be very good friends. I just know it. They have so much in common! The same music taste, movie taste, similar taste in …. well ….. women ……. both Air Force veterans, both grew up with sisters and traumatic childhoods. I really believe they would be friends, if that were somehow possible.” Things like: “Don would really love my widowed friends. But I wouldnt even know my widowed friends if I weren’t also a WIDOW!!!” My mind, at times, becomes exhausted by all the bizarre thoughts it has just in the course of one day. Or even one hour.
It’s a weird, wild, widowed life.
Thanks for reading.