Hello Sunday Readers,

Today is a rare day off where I don’t have to leave my apartment or do anything. I have things to get done around my place, but I can stay in my pajamas and take my time with my To-do list, and have the kitty in my lap a good part of the day.

I love these kind of days so much, for two reasons. The first reason is that these kind of days are very rare in my life, because my schedule is usually packed with multiple part-time jobs, volunteer work, and other activities that keep me pretty busy. The second reason is one that will most likely resonate with anyone reading this blog post. In the early days of my grief, and even for the first few years, being alone in my apartment for an entire day on a day off did NOT have with it any feelings of joy or relaxation or anything good or positive. In those days of early loss, everything felt raw and on fire and just absolutely awful. The idea of being home alone for an hour was sometimes very hard – so being alone the entire day was a nightmare. It meant being in “our” apartment all day without him there, and with the knowing that he was never coming back. It meant figuring out meals and eating by myself at the lonely office desk in our bedroom, because eating in the kitchen was just too damn sad. It meant crying and then trying not to cry and then sleeping and then not sleeping and spending lots of time “accidentally” staring blankly at the wall or ceiling, because time is a chaotic ball of confusion when you are in deep grief. It meant falling into a deep depression on a Sunday, which then would sometimes turn into that rolling into Monday, which would turn into me calling out sick from my job as a college professor, because I just could NOT get myself out of bed. It meant walking into landmines around every corner of our apartment – every room being filled with painful memories and piles of “stuff” from a life that no longer existed. In short, spending a large chunk of time alone in our apartment, in those days, was not something I looked forward to. It was, in fact, something I deeply dreaded.

These days, 13 years after my loss, a day off spent alone at home is not only welcome, it is something I really look forward to. Today I slept in until about 8:30 am, which is late for me. Slowly got up, took my time, made some coffee, and made myself scrambled eggs with cheddar and tomato inside a wheat pita for breakfast. Then I watched some Sunday morning news stuff, did the dishes from last night, got the recycling and trash ready to bring down to the curb, and sat down at my kitchen table to rehearse the alto part on some of the songs we are singing in the choir I recently joined: “Rock Voices.” And now, I am writing this blog. The rest of the day will be spent tackling a few more items on my weekly To-Do list, and then catching up on some more streaming series that I love watching, or maybe watching a movie this evening. Most importantly, being here alone is no longer lonely, doesnt produce anxiety, and isn’t severely exhausting and debilitating. Instead, it feels like a refreshing place to be, a time to reflect and give my body some rest and do some things that I feel like doing. I might make a few phone calls to friends I need to catch up with, or catch up on some emails that I neglected or didnt have time to respond to earlier in the week. If I find myself with a couple days off in a row, I will normally try to make plans on one of the days, and maybe stay home the other day. Time to myself is something I need, and something I love, and it feels great to no longer dread it or run away from it, like I did after the death of my husband changed everything forever.

Gotta go. It’s my turn to bring refreshments for tomorrow night’s rehearsal, so I think I will bake some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. The week coming up is a busy one. Working a lot the next few days, plus two of the four grief groups I facilitate meet this week, plus rehearsal tomorrow night, and of course Tuesday is Election Day. Wednesday is November 6th, which is Don Shepherd’s birthday, and always proves to be an emotionally charged day. Thursday, three of us from our SSI Regional Group here in Massachusetts will be doing a road trip to Toronto, Canada, to attend (and present at ) Camp Widow once again. I havent been to Toronto since before the pandemic, so Im very excited to go back. It’s a wonderful and unique city.

Working on finding balance in my life this year, in all places. When I have balance, I feel more at peace. And when I feel more at peace, life is so much more fulfilling, and filled with all things love.

Thanks for reading.