“Me and you are subject to the blues now and then”
And oh boy did the ‘now and then’ arrive. And they were triggered by watching the new ‘Song Sung Blue’ movie. Go figure.
I love Neil Diamond. And his song ‘Sweet Caroline’ has been “our song” for Vern and I since way back in 1969 when it first came out – because those words were our story, that was our summer. So when I saw the movie was available on my tv I sat down to watch it. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it but let me just say I loved it – but it was not at all what I expected.
And those tears that arrived. Wooosh. Bucket loads.
I was surprised.
And then I just gave myself the grace to feel it all. Grabbed a new box of Kleenex and just sat there and cried.
Poor Sheila didn’t quite know what to think of her mom’s behavior, so she climbed up on my lap and settled in for the cry. Just like she did that morning when I found Jim had passed in the night. I am so very grateful she is in my life.
So the tears were …
… for all of the losses and hurts that have happened since Jim died
… for everything I’ve been carrying quietly – and not so quietly
I did think that since I’ve done this widowed thing before I would be able to just skip over some of the hard spots. Guess not. Because here I am.
Missing Jim. Missing Vern. And not quite sure what my life is supposed to look like now.
In the eight years I was alone after Vern died I made a real effort to push myself out the door and discover new things. That first Christmas season I just could not handle all of the holiday festivities and happiness at work, so I escaped to Key West. I went to Camp Widow that first year (and then went to 25 more as a volunteer). I found Brave Girls Club which led to retreats and creativity and friendships and later started holding my own retreats and free art gatherings. I bought season tickets to the new Smith Center Broadway Series and our new hockey team, Vegas Golden Knights. I went alone to Costa Rica for an art retreat and hiked through the rain forest.
So now, 15 years later, I’ve lost Jim and need to decide what I want or don’t want to do. I’m grateful I was able to take that trip to Tennessee over the holidays and to Oceanside last week. I really needed both of those getaways. But being here with Sheila in the home I shared with Jim is where I feel most at peace. Yes, I do often seclude myself here; because I need that sometimes. I’ve given away my tickets for most all of the hockey games this season, and I’ve decided not to renew my season tickets. That does make me sad because it was such an important part of my life for the past nine years but I can no longer manage that long drive in and back at night for 42 home games.
I do think my age makes a difference in how I’m feeling and what I feel capable of doing. There’s a bit of melancholy now. I’m hitting 75 this year, so that makes me think differently about how I want to live whatever years I have left. But then who knows – I have a sister in her 90s so I could also have another 15-20 years. Wow! That’s a little daunting.
So I’ll keep trudging along, trying to figure out what is best for me these days. See where it leads me. Maybe there’s still a little something out there I’m supposed to do or to try. I’ll try to keep an open mind about that.
Guess it’s time to get started. Once again.
