Hello friends. My brain feels fried right now, as does my heart, so this post will most likely be a series of unconnected or somewhat connected thoughts. Scrambled. Thats how I feel.

Sometimes I get vertigo, out of nowhere. They said its caused by stress, and Ive certainly had stress lately. Vertigo stinks because it leaves me with no sense of balance, and I feel dizzy and like everything is spinning even when Im sitting still. Which is also kind of how my life feels lately too.

Last night I put together a new kitchen table and four chairs that was sent as a housewarming gift from a wonderful widowed friend. It came in a giant box from Amazon, and there were about 479 billion pieces and screws and nails and doo-dads, and the only form of “instructions” were these awful pictures with 7000 arrows pointing to what you are supposed to put where. “A into D, then D into F.” Arrows. VERY confusing. But after completing one chair, I was on a mission to get the rest done before today. So I stayed up the entire night and finished it. I went to bed this morning around 5am, and now I have a place to sit and eat my dinner or lunch or whatever. This helps me to feel a tiny bit less like a sad and pathetic widow and divorcee, eating on her couch on a TV tray.

Anyway … random thoughts.

Living alone is strange. Ive done it before. I know how to do the alone thing. Being widowed is all about doing the alone thing. But I dont know. It feels different this time. Maybe its because this time my person chose to leave, and that feels awful. Maybe it’s because he seems happier without me, while Im over here just trying to put a silly table together. Maybe being asked a zillion times a week online by forty thousand different people “what happened?”, and being told: “You looked sooo happy! Im so confused!!! ” and so many other things , can be exhausting, especially when I dont even know how to explain what happened. I feel like I will be okay, but I also feel like I was punched in the heart and left as an after-thought. Its just how I feel.

I wish I had a patio to sit on, or a pool to swim in, or a beautiful view to look at outside my window.

Here in this apartment, the windows have protection locks and dont even open all the way. And if they did, the view outside can only be described as very ugly, so its probably for the best that they remain closed. Im doing my very best to make the inside of this place as cozy and nice as I can. I think Ill be spending a lot of time here in winter, when it feels depressing and takes so much energy to go outside in the cold and dark-by 430pm days.

I dont know what Im saying. Scrambled brain. Can we just skip to the part where I feel joy and hope and have a kick-ass life again? I really want for that to be a thing. I just have no idea how to get to there.