It’s been a tough few weeks and I’ve had a lot to do. I feel like I’ve been in constant motion. And I’ve still not readjusted my schedule after the few nights staying up all night at the hospital while my dad was there. And I’ve still not gotten much more than 5-6 hours of sleep a night. And I’ve still not gotten back to my 4 days a week at the gym. And … and …. and …
Basically, my life was turned upside down by the tragic accident my dad was in and the ending of his life.
I had to deal with reliving a fair amount of the grief I had when Mario left since there were many similarities once I got to the hospital. Then that whole new blanket of grief for the death of a parent wrapped me up tightly.
One of the things I do to get through the initial shock of grief is to keep busy. I’m sure some of you can relate in that, if you’re busy and truly focused on a single task, then there’s much less chance of the mind wandering too far into what’s happened. My dad had a huge shop full of all sort of tools, machines, half done projects and various ephemera. I knew it would help my mom a lot if I got down there and started going through things, but since my dad hadn’t really been doing much down there for about a year there were also a lot of messes (and cobwebs) to clean up. I’m at about 14 bags of trash and have been organizing everything that wasn’t organized. I have to admit, it’s definitely kept my mind busy and I feel like I’m at least accomplishing something. It’s also interesting to get into my dad’s head a little bit. That shop was his domain. He spent many hours down there over the last 10 years. He had his own system of organizing and I’m sure he knew where everything was, but then he also had a lot of what other people would call chaos… piles of scrap metal, piles of empty containers and boxes strewn about, saw dust, metal shavings, bits of wires, all manner of oils, adhesives, and spray paints, tools out of their places, etc.
It’s no wonder he and Mario got along. Mario was insanely organized when it came to very specific things, then everything else, not so much. Going through my dad’s shop took me back to going through Mario’s “music room” after he passed away. Granted, it was only a single room vs thousands of square feet of shop space, but he packed a lot of stuff into that room. Like my dad, Mario also never really got rid of anything. For example, clothing from 20+ years ago was in the closet. His side of our large walk-in closet was the very first “straightening and organizing” I did after he passed away. So a pattern is clearly formed here–I get right to work after someone passes and it definitely helps me to get through it.
The other thing I do is go deeper into my hermit tendencies. I had told all my friends who were reaching out that I would get to them in due time, but I needed time away to process. Hanging out and talking on the phone is too much of an energy suck when I’m in this space. All my extra energy has gone to my mom to help her out through this. So what I really need now, after the last couple weeks of intensive and focused activity, is rest.
I’m writing this in the wee hours of the morning on July 24th to be posted on my usual Friday because on Friday morning, I’ll hopefully be waking up at a normal hour, in my tiny teardrop trailer, very much rested after camping for 2 nights at one of my favorite spots on the Oregon coast. My only plans for the next few days are to just take it easy, take naps, take walks on the beach, take my time eating, take walks along the lagoon, sit in nature, sit by a campfire, sit and read, and just sit quietly. With no internet access. It’s not just something I want to do. It’s something I need to do. My body, mind and soul needs this rest.
“The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of room, not try to be or do anything whatever.”
― May Sarton
