After living with the loss of Don Shepherd for an entire decade now, one thing is for certain that I never question or no longer worry about …
I will never, ever forget him.
I wont forget his crooked smile, or his enormous laugh that was sometimes 92% in his shoulders shaking like a small earthquake, or his sea blue eyes that were a billboard for kindness and gentle things. I will never forget how he left the bathroom WET everywhere after every shower, or how his collection of “stuff” including coins, watch, wallet, EMS badges, Tums, sunglasses, pens, and chapstick forever lived on top of our Entertainment Center; no matter how many times I asked him to please move them somewhere else, or could we at least place all the items in a basket. (eventually I won that battle, and he forever made fun of my baskets). I will not forget how he knew everyones name, even people I had seen in passing for years and didnt bother to find out. I will not forget how his connection with animals was like magic, and how they would run to him and he would head straight for the family dog or cat at any and all social gatherings. I wont ever forget the way he looked at me, or the way he made me feel, or how he wrote in his wedding vows that his “greatest joy” was watching me onstage and witnessing me in my element, and witnessing me follow and succeed in my dreams. I wont forget his love of cheeseburgers or lasagna or chicken parmesan, or Barqs Root Beer; or how he could equally love Gharadelli Brownies just as much as those cheapo Little Debbie Snack Cake ones. I will remember him napping in his recliner with the cat in his lap, tossing pebbles into the Cape Cod or Florida ocean, relaxing with me and a Sunday afternoon Yankees game, and commentating an entire match of tennis for me during the U.S. Open. I will forever miss the sound of him strumming his guitar just about every single day in our apartment. I will miss him starting every sentence with “ya know….”, and then launching into a well-thought out theory or piece of information he wished to pass along. I will miss him humming lightly and calling me “Boo” and using my legs and knees to work out new chord progressions in his mind before moving them over to the guitar. I will forever miss and remember jumping to be the first one in the bed, because whoever was last had the huge responsibility of shutting off the light.
These are just some of the things I will remember.
Over the years, there have been times where I went into absolute panic because I couldnt quite remember all the lyrics to a made-up song we once wrote together, or I couldn’t quite close my eyes and feel his hugs like I used to be able to, or those times where he just feels so very far away. MY heart still beats extra fast when I cant bring up every detail of something we once did together, or when I dont know what he might do in a certain situation and I really want to ask him. Those feelings are hard, and I think they always will be.
In those hard times, I try to remember that human beings are made up of souls and love, and the things we remember have more to do with how someone loved us or how they made us feel, than anything else. I may not be able to feel his hug, but I get pieces of it back whenever I get to hug his nephew Mark. I won’t hear him play his guitar anymore, but music will forever connect me to him and it’s a soul connection that is impossible to put into words. He won’t ever pet our kitty cats again, but I will, and I keep in the back of my mind that Don once said to me that he hopes if there is a God/Heaven, that our pets have the closest access to that place or that feeling. I hope he is right.
When I put love forward, I remember him.
When I act in kindness, I remember him.
When I help others in whatever ways that I can, I remember him.
It’s even more than that. I remember him, and I am forever connected to him.
Often, I have a vision or a strong feeling of him standing by the ocean. It’s a silhouette, but it’s him.
He turns around slowly, and he gives me those sea-blue eyes.
With equal parts simplicity and poignancy, he whispers:
“Remember me. ”
And then , just like that, the vision fades into the ocean.