How many times do I have to rebuild my life? I feel like I have done it quite a few times at this point, and I still dont know how to create income doing something I love and/or am passionate about. I keep trying different avenues, but nothing seems to work. Now here I am at age 53, and still always struggling. Went to a farm the other day with a widow friend, and we were talking about how it would be amazing if when you became widowed, a check would randomly appear in your bank account for a significant amount of money, with a letter saying “We understand how incredibly difficult this must be. Please use this to help you to rebuild.” From the government, or whoever, maybe $10k or $20k. Nothing that would change your life forever, but something to give you a few options for awhile, including resting your body and heart and sitting with your new reality.

But we still live in a grief-illiterate country, and probably a grief-illiterate world; though many countries do this whole grief thing WAY better than we do here in America. All I know is, it is sooooo damn hard to start over. Its exhausting. And then when you do it, and it doesnt work out, it falls apart – it really does a number on your soul. And it’s defeating. And you wonder how many more times you can do it, before your heart just gives up or shuts down or doesnt care anymore. Starting over with relationships, possible love, jobs choices, living situations, all of it. And as I get older, I have to start considering things like health insurance and benefits more and more, when making job choices. I wish I could find a way to make helping people through loss as a grief counselor my main source of income. But so far, that is proving to be not possible and not consistent enough. People come and go, clients are hard to come by sometimes, and I dont get paid when I dont work. Im getting tired of driving a student van and getting up at 5am each day, driving in the dark during winter months, dealing with snow and ice. That job is my secure income job – I know what amount is coming in each week and can use it to pay bills and rent and everything else. But I need something better. I need something full time with benefits, and I guess the grief counseling will have to be done on the side, after work hours. Im just tired of putting all the things I LOVE “on the side” because they dont pay enough income for me to live.

I dont know. Today is our Soaring Spirits Regional Group meetup, and we are having lunch at this really great place that has outdoor seating. If its nice enough outside, maybe we will sit in the sun and enjoy the weather. Being outside seems to really help. And seeing my friends in the widowed community ALWAYS helps.

Thanks for reading.