I stood completely alone in a crowded room. I do a lot of that these days. I suppose I want to feel something, anything, other than what I was feeling.
Life has a tricky way of deciding when it will allow us to feel a certain way or not. Some things I feel can be a conscious choice perpetuated into reality. A small lot, however, rears their ugly heads at times you wouldn’t expect.
Here I was. Drink in hand. Music playing softly in the background and all the space I would need to dance the night away should I choose to.
I don’t know what it was. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of places I used to frequent but at one point I determined I didn’t need to anymore.
I had found somebody.
Somebody didn’t need a drink to keep me entertained. Somebody didn’t require my medication to keep me focused on them. But somebody wasn’t here anymore.
That’s how I feel.
For something I wish would come, either back to me or anew, but perhaps never will.
To my chagrin, I’ve accepted those outcomes.
Those unacceptable terms thrust upon me much against my will. A contract I never wanted to sign.
Nowadays, it seems I’m working harder than ever before to do everything I possibly can…to feel nothing. Nothing at all.
Because nothing would feel more peaceful than the reality I find myself in.