Yesterday I had lunch with two dear widow friends that Ive gotten pretty close with. We started talking about how important it has been for each of us in our life after loss, to find a sense of peace in our life and in our surroundings. We talked about how we had no choices in how our person died, why they died, or how when they died. Most of us felt powerless, and we wanted to badly to save them or for them to stay here with us, and in the end, we could not control that, and that feeling of powerlessness is simply awful.

And perhaps that is why it feels so powerful to have CHOICES and to have the option of saying NO to things and to people and to circumstances that dont feel right to us, in our life after loss world. It takes so much energy just to live and grieve at the same time, and everything feels exhausting in a way that it didnt before our loss. So to have people or things in our lives that dont feel supportive or that dont feel good – it can be depleting and the fact is, we dont have to keep these things or people in our lives.

At lunch with my friends, I referred to this “space” that we create as our “peace circle”, which just sort of came out of my mouth, and my friends shouted: “Yes! The peace circle! That is brilliant!” We get to choose, for the most part, who gets access into our circle. Our circle of trust and friendship and warmth and love and, ultimately, peace. If someone is constantly bringing us stress or not being supportive or leaving us depleted, then we have the choice to move away from that person, to spend less time with them, or to remove ourselves completely from their presence, in some cases. It is not always easy. It can be hard when these people are long-time friends or even family members. But it IS a choice we can make, and in establishing those boundaries, we can build the space around us in the way that we want it to feel and look like and be. And THAT feels amazing, and it feels like a circle of space and peace that we can look forward to living in.