Its the day after Christmas, and we are finally getting settled in at home after running around and doing short visits with both families (mine and my husbands.) Nick and I made up some bags of homemade goodies and treats to give out to the neighbors and family and a couple close friends. He made up six of his sausage wreath breads, Russian tea biscuits, and almond flat cookies (the first two are both things his late mother used to make every Christmas so he carries on the tradition and gives them to his family and mine).
I made up some “Christmas chocolate crack bites”, which are as sinful as they sound, and some of my famous peppermint bark and white chocolate/dark chocolate with almonds bark; which I began making as a new tradition a couple years after Don died, in an attempt to help get me back into the Christmas spirit. Back then, I had moved out of our Jersey apartment, and had moved to Forest Hills Queens into a high-rise luxury apartment building with a roommate I met on Craigslist. Those were desperate times, and I was still doing whatever was needed to be able to afford continuing to live in NYC. I couldnt afford the Christmas cash tips that were often given to doormen and the like in the luxury buildings, so I made up bags of goodies for them instead , which they seemed to love. Of course, they knew my situation, so I think they were pretty understanding of the sad poor widow girl who was living beyond her means. Anyway, it did help back then to begin a new tradition, and to give it away to people as little gestures. And they seemed to really like the treats, and so now I make them each year as a reminder that things often change whether you want them to or not, and back then, it was all I could do to get through the holiday.
These days, a decade post-loss, life continues forward. I am remarried, and New Years Eve will be our one year wedding anniversary. We have some new traditions, and others have remained the same. Fried dough and scratch tickets on Christmas morning became the morning after Christmas, due to extreme ice and freezing rain on Christmas morning. Gatherings were a tad smaller than in past years, due to the covid situation that the whole world is facing. I made sure I was boostered up a couple days before Christmas so I could feel safer about gathering with family, so lingering arm pain and nausea were an unexpected part of things this year. We drove an hour to see my husbands family , and he got to see his son this year on Christmas, which hasnt happened in a long time, so that was nice. My niece and nephew just keep growing up, and as time passes, thoughts of Don never knowing them at this age continue to creep into my mind and heart.
I still love Christmas – I think I always will. It has taken me a long time to get back to the place mentally where I can say that I truly love Christmas again. The magic of Christmas and the lights and the spirit and time with family and festive things and watching Rudolph and The Grinch and Christmas Vacation and the stockings and just all of it — for a long time it hurt too much to keep doing any of that stuff. For years after Don’s death, everything hurt so much, and so raw, especially Christmas. I just couldnt face it, so I didnt.
But now, all this time later, it feels nice again. It feels happy again. Hearing my brothers kids laughing and being silly with each other and with us – seeing my husband reunite with his son – appreciating any and all time we have with family during these covid times – it makes Christmas have its color again. It makes me love it again. Its not bad – its just different, and it will always be different. Its different because people we love have died, and because of that, we are not only missing them greatly, but some of our traditions have changed due to them not being around. I think sometimes , even though we fight against change, it is necessary in order to figure out new joy. If we left our holidays exactly the same as when Don was alive, or when my Nana was alive, or when Nick’s parents and sister were alive, it might be too painful to do without those people present. But , in time, when pain has moved to the background instead of on the front burner, if you can take some traditions and alter them, add to them, or use them to honor those we have lost – the holidays can feel joyful again , just in a very different way.
Merry Christmas, friends.